An Open Letter on Why, I, Herman Cain Should Be President of the USA

Herman Cain
Herman Cain

Dear America: The Cost is Never Cheap But The Crust is Always Deep!

(An Open Letter on Why, I, Herman Cain Should Be President of the USA)

Hello America! My name is Herman Cain, allow me to introduce myself. Oh wait I just did…. allow me to re-introduce myself:

I’m best known as ‘R-Pizzy’ or the “Republican Pizza Candidate” because I used to be the CEO of Godfather’s pizza. That’s right: GODFATHER’S PIZZA.

Many of you might think that doesn’t qualify me to be President of the most powerful and influential country in all Space and Time. You’d be wrong. I’ve got all the essential, mouth-watering ingredients it takes to be a leader: integrity, backbone, sauciness, peppers, onions, and over FIVE DIFFERENT KINDS OF CHEESES. Oh and I hate abortions!

I may have been the CEO but I still know running a pizza place is hard work, just like the White House: you got a lot of things cooking at once, you’re trying to please a lot of people, lots of weird smells, and there are rats everywhere.

I don’t just have beliefs. I have convictions and principles that run deeper than any dish. I believe EVERYONE is equal: whether they’re small, medium, or large (just not gays or Muslims).

Gays in the military? Look, I like sausage on my pie from time to time but in the privacy of my home!

Abortion rights? Abortion’s wrong!

I know the Middle East like I know yeast!

America deserves results and I can deliver them in under three terms or less.

And when you elect me you get a Vice-President for free!

I don’t mean to drop names but the ‘Noid has come up. FREQUENTLY.

A lot of people say I’m a liability because I’ve never held a government post. Well, I’ve never held Anne Heche but I bet I could!

As President, I promise the following: 1/2 off all current corporate taxes, 86’ing abortions, new ovens for EVERY American, free advice from my Nana, and as much GODFATHER’s swag as you want! I’m talking pens, stickers, and giant magnets for your car!!!!!

My name is Herman Cain. And my beliefs have no expiration date.

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