(I was asked to submit a brief, fictional ‘The Bachelorette’ story yesterday so I wrote this:)
Dear Fans/Future Lovers/Family,
It’s me, Paul Bronso AKA ‘The Match,’ that was kicked off of Season 19 of ‘The Bachelorette.’ You know my infamous nickname because of “the incident” and today, I’m legally allowed to explain my side of things.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve made a killing as a used wig salesmen, so I obviously don’t need money or fame. People also constantly mistake me for an obese Ryan Gosling so I pretty much have it made.
I just want the undying love of a perfectly sculpted woman, that’s all.
When Tarva said my name, my heart skipped and so did I, and that’s when I ACCIDENTALLY knocked her into the forest of candles that my lawyer has made explicitly clear were a fire hazard created by the show. As her hair burst into flames, so did my chances for true love with a complete stranger.
Tarva’s hair grew back but I don’t know if the hole in my heart ever will (literally, it’s a birth defect).
I’m trying to look on the bright side though; just because I got burned by loved doesn’t meant I can’t find that spark again.
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram: ONEOFTHEPAULBRONSOS and Twitter @T_H_EPAUL_BRONZO6985