This Father's Day get him the gift he's always wanted: your shit together.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 20, 2015
*daft punk remove their helmets revealing chris pratt and michael cera*
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 18, 2015
WOMEN: "We demand to be put on a $20 bill."
U.S. GOVERNMENT: "We'll give you half of what you asked for. And.. *ahem* You're welcome."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 18, 2015
I am thrilled to be part of this incredible line-up. I know, it’s always “incredible” but just read the fucking list. I’m billed next to Anna Drezen. She could sell-out an entire show on her own. This entire crew could. Come out. Quit making excuses and support live comedy. Are those new shoes? They smell terrific.
*uses pitchfork to eat three slices of pizza simultaneously*
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 16, 2015
Personally I would never vaccinate my kids. I would let the doctors do it.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 15, 2015