I keep a thesaurus under my bed in case someone tries to break in and rob me, that way I can apprise the conventional authorities posthaste.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 4, 2015
Happy March 32nd!
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 1, 2015
"9-1-1, state your emergency."
"There's an encampment of clowns in the forest behind my house"
"Set the forest on fire & pray there's a God"— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 1, 2015
You say "ghost", I hear "free babysitter"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 29, 2015
(to the tune of JOLENE:) Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz. Why you got such a weird baby face you baby man monster? You, Ted Cruz
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 28, 2015
MISSED CONNECTION: You were dancing outside a carwash with absolutely no inhibitions. You were 10 feet tall & made of blue plastic. I waved.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 27, 2015