During summer we should elevate the Lincoln Memorial, give him a whistle, sunglasses, and shorts. Who's more appropriate for a lifeguard?
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 26, 2013
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 25, 2013
My favorite sports are: the one with the ball and not dying.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 24, 2013
Abraham Lincoln always wore a top hat to cover up his biggest secret: the tiny top hat he had hidden underneath.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 18, 2013
Kanye turns off Kanye so Kanye can listen to Kanye.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 18, 2013
Nothing hotter than a woman in scrubs. "Hey girl, you about to go get your cure on?"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 17, 2013