When I was fifteen-years-old I told my parents that I wasn't going to attend college, I was going to pursue comedy and there was absofuckingluetly no way they could stop me and how did they like them apples (GOOD WILL HUNTING had just come out so it was a timely reference at the time)? They didn't flinch for a second. "We love and support you if that's what makes you happy," they responded. WTF? How am I supposed to be the tortured genius I convinced myself I needed to become in order to be successful if my goddamn parents encouraged and loved me? What kind of perverse mind games were they playing? I later realized that with one sentence I saved my parents around $50-100,000 in tuition but they truly did and have supported me, unwaveringly, for the past seventeen years.
I moved to New York from St. Paul, MN to do stand-up comedy when I was twenty-five-years-old. Things did not go as planned. I ended up declaring bankruptcy which is THE COOLEST and I highly recommend it to any of you that hate the nuiscance of having access to money all the time. I ended up turning to Twitter and thanks to @imaudihere and @notjmiller and a weird surreal series of events, my view on how I could succeed in comedy was changed forever.
I've had encouragement over the years from so many people and I'm eternally grateful, so much so that I would steal a car or a painting that they liked or a painting of a car that they were just kind of into, I would do that for them, for you. I can't name them all, there are too many but everyone I currently follow, I love and have definitely helped me along the way. The same goes with the MN comedy scene I came up in; I've never been surrounded by a more supportive, hard-working, and fun group.
During the beginning of December last year, I was approached about a writing position. I've been lucky enough to submit to some late night shows. I got passed over numerous times. This job sounded different. It sounded like for the first time in my life all my unique skills (juggling, encryption, cooking up joke stew) could be utilized. No way was I going to get it. I'm too weird, I didn't go to college. Nope. I kept waiting tables and writing jokes for my own pleasure.
Then it happened. I got it. My first day was January 5th, 2015. It's almost four months I've worked there and I still can't believe it. I don't take it for granted; I understand how lucky I am.
The site, www.InternetActionForce.com, launched almost four weeks ago and I am genuinely proud of the videos we're creating. I'm really excited because we're just getting started and I can't emphasize how great the talent is, both my co-workers and the comedians we're working with.
I'm only going to post this once. If you get time and I make you laugh, please check out the site. Like it on FB. Follow here. You know all the rest. It would mean a lot to me. I also understand, everyone is busy. Most everyone I know is pursuing their own passion or clothing line (never both), so if you get around to it, awesome. If not, DIE IN A- cool. It is what it is.
I do want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has supported me over the years, specifically my family. Thank you Theresa, Fred, Jesse, and Dan.
Thank you to anyone that has ever come to a show, had me up on a slot, said a kind word, or gave me a shot. I'm so beyond humbled I can't even see it in the rearview mirror.
Finally, thanks to my old biker crew, The Dazzleboots. I wouldn't have made it without you Big Tony, Ace, Spruce Bringsteen, Tina Colada, Snake Eyes, Deuces Ex Machina, Jane, Old Man Withers, and of course, Snake Eyes Senior Carl's Jr.
Below are some of my favorite videos we've made. Thanks for reading. I'm gonna get some suitcases and lemonade but you can stay as long as you want.
I used to go back and forth about posting about this stuff but then I get a message or two and this is why I'm writing tonight. At midnight, I get to celebrate 11 months since I quit drinking. I'm 32-years-old and I wasted some of the best years of my life getting wasted. I was supposed to have a really respected career in stand-up (in my mind). I was supposed to be engaged (in my mind). I was supposed to be everything to everyone at once because pleasing everyone but me was the only thing that made me happy because I hated myself that much. At the same time I was also one of the most selfish people I've ever known. I tried quitting 4,000 times before I quit counting.
And then one day I had another another another rock bottom. Not forgetting my siblings birthdays (check). Not setting my apartment on fire because a joint was burning and I passed out (check. check.). I got absolutely wrecked at the restaurant I was working at before, during, and after the shift. For two months straight, prior to this. I didn't lose the job. I did however get revisited by the ghost of Grey Goose past that particular night.
I realized two things after the drying vomit pellets on my sweater started to resemble dwayne the rock johnson: I don't EVER want to throw up on anything ever again ESPECIALLY my own person and that a lot of my problem wasn't just alcoholism, it was refusing to be an adult. I wanted to will things into being my way and hahahahahahahaha that works so well! you should definitely try it. Quitting drinking is a decision but the success I've found comes from reaching out to people, every day. I have cravings but I contact someone when it gets bad. The Internet is amazing. Bits of it at least (cats on giraffes in a puppy pool videos, etc.). I message people daily to see how they're doing and vice versa and that's my "secret to success", mixed with consistency and the active will to want to quit. At least for me. I still go to AA meetings and I've seen more successful people come from there than any other program.
If you're thinking about quitting and don't think you can do it, you're wrong. Change is possible. For real. In the time it took me to write this I changed three pairs of pants, two pairs of minds, four adult diapers and that horse into a fucking tiger.
Thanks for reading. Ask for help if you need it. There's carrot cake on the way out.