Category: Uncategorized

Posted on

LET’S GET TO KNOW ERIC C. (AKA @dubstep4dads)

Hey Gang! Let’s DIVE right into this interview! I’m so sorry, I thought he was really a turtle and would get a kick out of all the turtle references but it turns out that HE is actually a 19-year-old dude living in Chicago who caught my eye a few months ago. He is one of favorite accounts that I make sure to check daily. I won’t waste any more time, I’ll just get the SHELL out of the way! (I’M SO SORRY!)

LET’S GET TO KNOW: ERIC C. AKA @dubstep4dads

Hello and Welcome. What’s your name?

Hi! My names Eric Michael. Michael is my middle name. I’m not comfortable with sharing my last name because I’ve heard some rumors about you Sam and I’m afraid you’re going to kill me. We can be friends online though!

How long have you been on Twitter?

Well I started early March of 2013. So I don’t know, about nine months, although it feels like it’s been years. *looks in the mirror at my wrinkled sad face*

What made you join?

Well I followed a few comedians about a year ago and I thought they were really funny. One of them retweeted a couple of writers who weren’t as popular and I found them hilarious. Through that cycle, I found Lawblob (@lawblob) whos’ tweets I really enjoyed. I found some other accounts through him and I thought I might as well try it myself. The idea of making people laugh from posting on twitter seemed really cool. I had no expectation of getting many followers or any popularity, I just thought I may have a shot at making some people laugh.

Are you really a turtle?

Yes. I am a turtle. It’s not the easiest life ever but I get by pretty well. My hardcore gang tattoos keep most of the street thugs away from me.

How old are you?

I just turned 19 in November. You can still buy me a gift if you want.

Do you have family in the Galapagos?

Is this a turtle joke? I said no turtle jokes Sam. ANYWAYS, no, I don’t have family in the Galapagos. Most of my family is from Chicago. Also, they’re in a gang. Being in a gang as a turtle is tough because you can’t really buy t-shirts or clothing that differentiate you from other gangs. Basically there’s only one gang and nobody ever fights. But it is tough on the streets. A couple weeks ago my uncle Ronnie fell off a 7 inch curb and rolled onto his back. Took the turtle ambulance six weeks to reach him. They don’t have cars. He should be fine though.

Do you love sewer-pizza?

I never watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (GASP) and I think that’s what this is in reference to… I’m sure I would enjoy some sewer pizza, but I haven’t been able to get any. Basically, my diet consists of lettuce. And more lettuce. Sometimes I eat my poo by accident.

How often do you tweet?

A couple times a day. Depending on how creative I’m feeling. Sometimes I won’t tweet at all for a  few days if I think I suck. Other days, I’ll tweet 5-10 things, some of them are terrible but if my brain is being creative I just let them through.

Do you perform or write elsewhere?

I wrote a few articles and have a column at TheCrispestAttic.com so that’s pretty cool. I write articles for fun sometimes just to make myself laugh. My type of humor isn’t for everyone but I’m just glad I can make myself laugh through my silly writing.

Who are your favorite comedians perfuming these days?
I don’t really have any, and I don’t watch stand up too often. Sorry :/
What’s your dream job?

Getting paid to write or make people laugh in some way. I love to make people laugh and I think it would be really great to get paid to do what I love. Also, I think drawing things is cool too but I don’t know how to draw. I wish I did though. I wish I also had a pet wolf to ride around on. I think it would be really sweet to show up to school on a wolf. You know, like a really quiet kid who rides to school on a wolf dressed in black and doesn’t talk to anybody. Everyones like “whoa. Whats up with that kid”. Yeah that’s me.

How many muskets is enough?

69 is enough. 70 is one too many and 68 is really just not enough. Also, 69 is like the sex number.

God is dead. They need another day of the week, GO:

Turdday. The day of the week where everyone gets together with their family and appreciates turds. Some are different sizes than others and some smell very different and I think we all need to appreciate that.

If you had to make love to an type of triangle, what triangle would it be?

Definitely a right triangle. Acute triangles just aren’t enough for me, believe me, I’ve tried. Obtuse triangles are unpredictable. One day they’re sleeping with you, the next they’re putting your baby in a fridge. Babies don’t belong in fridges.

Where do babies come from?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I’m pretty sure babies aren’t real.

Where do Biebers come from?

I think Bieber is from Canada. That’s why he sucks, haha! Just kidding. I like Canada a lot probably. I’ve never been there though. @8bitf0x lives in Canada. You should follow him he is a nice boy. We kissed once
You seem to have extensive hip-hop roots and knowledge. Is this true and have you ever hugged Funkmaster Flexx?

I’m not sure if you made that up or just did your research but honestly I’m impressed. I’m a huge fan of hip-hop. But, no, I’ve never hugged Funkmaster Flexx. Also, I don’t think hes a funk master. Maybe like a funk apprentice or something but I wouldn’t call him the master.

What’s your favorite part about Twitter?

Well I guess I would have to say that my favorite part about twitter is getting replies from people who enjoy my material. It’s nice to know that if I’m out shopping or doing really whatever and I have an idea, I can just post it and make somebody, somewhere, laugh a bit. Also I think interacting with celebs is cool. It doesn’t happen often but I think it’s pretty rad yo. Like without twitter I would have never known Melanie Iglesias wants to marry me. She keeps calling me but I’m just really busy lately.

What are your five favorite subjects to tweet about?

I don’t really have any favorite subjects to tweet about. Usually all of my tweets are just random thoughts that I come up with at the time. There are certain things that I think amuse my brain more than others like babies, people being exploded, wolves, talking animals, misspellings, stuff like that. I love incorporating those types of things into my writing/tweets but I don’t always get the chance to. I really don’t draft any tweets, it’s all just in the moment.
What would you like to see more of on Twiiter dot commmm?

Puppies. We could all probably get together and post more pictures of puppies. Dogs are cute and I think they have the power to brighten up everyones day. I really like kitties too.

Have you ever taken molly inside a terrarium?

I have no idea what a terrarium is. Remember I’m 19 I don’t know a lot of things. But, I do not take any drugs. So no, I have never taken molly. Also I’m pretty sure this was a turtle or land animal joke and im upset again and crying. Thanks.
What’s your ultimate goal in life out of comedy?

I want to write stuff. I think stand up is really cool but I hate public speaking. I want to write for a TV show or popular website. Anything that would get me to make money from making people laugh would be great.
If you had a boomerang, three hours, and no consequences, what would you do?

Probably nothing. The boomerang is the worst invention since Dad Jeans. Just kidding, I only say that because I don’t really know how to use a boomerang. I guess really what I would do is try and learn how to use it. Maybe throw it at a few windows or something if there was really no consequences. Maybe paint it black and pretend it’s a gun and rob a bank. Or pretend it’s a gun and rob a dog store then teach the dog to fetch the boomerang. Perhaps I could teach the boomerang to fetch me a dog, paint it black, and tell the dog to rob a bank. Then, sell the dog, buy more boomerangs and paint the bank black.

Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter and check him out on TheCrispestAttic.com

Posted on

LET’S GET TO KNOW NIKKI (AKA @SQUIRRELJUSTICE)

This week I chatted with a mysterious gal from the World Wide Interwebs. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting her in real life; we had a delightful time and still have plans to kidnap a waterfall. Her name is Nikki (@squirreljustice). She is weird, she is strange, and she’s a brilliant writer. Put those pork chops in the freezer and tell Pop Pop he’ll have to eat tomorrow, let’s get to know Nikki!

Nikki

LET’S GET TO KNOW: NIKKI A.K.A. (@Squirreljustice)

Hello person! You got a name?

Hi Sam, it’s me Nikki. We actually met at the NYC tweetup, but since we were heavily intoxicated from licking poisonous frogs, I can see how that little detail would have gotten lost in the mix. I din’t want to have to bring this up, but you still haven’t returned my latex onesie or prosthetic eye.  [EDITOR’S NOTE: Correct!]

How long have you been doing the funnies? Do you comedy aside from Twitter?

I have been on Twitter for about 4 years, with occasional breaks to pee, complete court-ordered rehab for poisonous frog-licking addiction and to choreograph sweet hip-hop dance routines in my driveway. I actually tried stand-up a few times after I moved to NYC after college, and I was so good at it, everyone in attendance suggested I never step foot on a stage again. It was the right thing to do because it inspired me to fulfill my dreams of becoming a low-paid performer/dancer at Disney World, and ultimately a low-paid videographer living in the rectal region of New Jersey.

Sharks or bees and why?

I’m gonna have to go with bees on this one. I respect their work ethic and their tenacity in trying to kill me everyday. I am extremely allergic to bees, so much so, I require a violent EpiPen injection into my heart when that Honey Nut Cheerios bee appears on TV. I would imagine that I’m also highly allergic to shark bites as well. Either way, this line of questioning is really making me nervous.

What’s your favorite activity to do in real life?

My favorite activity is playing tennis. I know this is hard to imagine considering my gang history growing up on the mean streets of Raleigh, NC. Whenever I had a stressful day busting caps in asses, running from the po-po and generally causing mayhem in the Lilly Pulitzer Outlet Store, I’d head over to the country club to work on my backhand with fellow gang member and doubles partner, Whitney “Mad Dog” Kensington. RIP girl, gone too soon.

Copa or Cabana?

I first read this as COPD or Cabana, and this was really conflicting for me. COPD might not be so bad. Imagine rolling up in the club with a tricked out oxygen tank, twerking in between using your rescue inhaler and really bringing the house down with a full blown pulmonary embolism to the funky fresh beats of DJ Wrongholz on the wheels of steel. On second thought, a cabana sounds really nice too.

Who’s your favorite comedian right now?

This may be in violation of the protective order but I absolutely love Dave Hill. He was one of the first people I followed on Twitter and everything he writes is so effortlessly funny. I’ve seen him at UCB and he really puts on a great show. If you ever find yourself on house arrest with some time to kill, I would highly recommend buying his book, reading his blog from start to finish and signing up for his email updates. His writing is nothing short of brilliant.

I just gave you 500 toothbrushes. WHAT DO YOU DO????

First of all, I would be extremely self-conscious about this. Is my breath that bad? OK, so maybe I shouldn’t have eaten those 4-day old leftover conch fritters and gotten all up in your grill to talk in great length about hearty halibut helpings, but is that any reason to react in such a hurtful and financially irresponsible manner? I would probably graciously accept the aforementioned toothbrushes and sell them at a seedy NJ flea market and use the proceeds to score some more poisonous frogs. It’s a vicious cycle.

What’s the worst part about comedy?

I am not a fan of jokes made at the expense of people with disabilities. There are so many awful people out there who are worthy of getting skewered (ProdigalSam, Mark McGrath, my town’s comptroller, et al) and I think that going after the disadvantaged is cheap and shows a real defect in character.

What’s the best part about comedy?

As far as the comedy element on Twitter goes, I’d have to say that I’ve met some really cool people, @fleshcake, @stellartwot, @senorwinces and @wordsofahooker to name a few. I’m consistently in awe of @untresor, who cranks out the most unbelievably outlandish tweets like it’s  nothing. I’m not sure, but I think he might be a cyborg or possibly even Oprah. It’s also great for my already  over-inflated ego to get recognized by famous people. Whenever I get retweeted or a FF from a famous person, I like to print it out and use it to cut in lines or as a substitute for a tip. I think the gals at Red Lobster really get a kick out of waiting on royalty and this kind of generosity is just one of the ways I like to stay humble.

What would you do with $250,000?

I’d prearrange my funeral arrangements with a dope ass mausoleum surrounded by a lazy river so people can chillax while paying their respects to me (No lifeguard on duty).

What are the five topics you tweet about the most?

1. The elderly and how they are constantly inconveniencing me with their mere existence.

2.Wolves

3. Elderly Wolves

4. Mark McGrath propaganda

5. Ham

How often do you tweet?

I haven’t been tweeting much lately because it’s really starting to interfere with my Candy Crush progress. Sometimes I’ll go a few days without tweeting and out of sheer desperation, I’ll get baked and write something profound (idiotic) about the Scooby Doo bats. I have found that this is a fantastic way to lose followers.

What do you wish more people would joke about?

Definitely the Scooby Doo bats. I think that should be a staple in everyone’s Twitter feed.

Name two underrated people I should look at on Twitter please and goddamned thank you!

I really enjoy @earthfalcon33 who is another person from NC who may or may not be in a ruthless gang. He actually posted his phone number one time, so I waited a few months and started sending him random texts about planning his upcoming quinceanera. He totally ran with it and needless to say, his quinceanera was the talk of the town. I also think you should check out @iheartsoups. He is currently in a negative frame of mind, but that’s just par for the course when you’re trying to balance being a goth teen and managing a successful cranberry bog.

Cats or rocks? Why? and WHY NOT?

I feel like you’re trying to trip me up in these questions, but what you don’t know is that I went on a 2 week mescaline bender in the late 90’s and these kinds of questions are right up my alley. The answer is rocks. Have you ever tried throwing a cat through your ex-boyfriend’s window at 4am? I have, and a rock is more efficient, not to mention being slightly more humane. I’ve also discovered that cats in their melted form are not lava in the way rocks are. Don’t ask me how I know this.

What celebrity would you like to swap spit with (not kiss, literally exchange spit, like momma birds)?

Hmm, that’s a tough one. I’d probably accept a regurgitated cronut from Dan Marino. I’d then use at least 6 of my 500 toothbrushes. You’re a visionary, Sam.

What would stop you from doing comedy?

A stern warning from the Surgeon General or maybe something along the lines of an angry mob wielding hatchets and chanting “STOP DOING COMEDY!”

What pearls of wisdom do you have for aspiring writers?

Write from the heart, and always wipe front to back.

Follow Nikki (@squirreljustice) on Twitter!

Posted on

LET’S GET TO KNOW BRENDAN O’HARE!

So much young talent is online. This week I put down the blackjack cards and finally got around to talking to Internet “funsation” (I made that term up and promise never to use it again) Brendan O’Hare. He met me in a dark alley in the back of the Internet and we chatted about what floats his boat, soda, tigers, and a bunch of other stuff. Tell your mother you’ll call her later, you’ve got a date with words that starts right now.

Brendan O'Hare

LET’S GET TO KNOW: BRENDAN O’HARE (@BrendoOHare)

Hi! Who the hell are you and what are you doing on my porch?

Hello! My name is Brendan O’Hare, a local boy known throughout the town for my ability to stack a mean pile of bananas at the farmer’s market. I’m on your porch because I would like to talk to you about the good word of a little guy named Jesus Christ, son of Mr. Christ.

How long have you been doing the laughies? Do you do comedy aside from Twitter?

I have been telling jokes on Twitter for about a year now. Aside from that, I was on my school’s improv team last year, but I just transferred schools. So I doubt they’ll be having me back. I’m going to school in the New York City come August, and I plan on doing open mics and UCB. I also will put poorly-executed sketches up online from time to time.

How many tigers is enough?

Not enough, am I right!!! Am I?

What’s your favorite activity to do in real life?

I guess reading, like any good shut-in.

Who’s your favorite comedian working right now?

Probably John Mulaney. His work ethic is incredibly inspiring for a young comedian like m’self, and it’s amazing to watch someone and know that they are going to be one of the most influential people in comedy in a few years. His show not getting picked up by NBC was a horrible bummer. I’ve also really gotten into Bo Burnham lately, whose willingness to alter the traditional rigid stand-up style is really innovative and remarkable to watch.

The roof is on fire, WHAT DO WE DO????

Get rid of my journals that entail my plan to burn down the roof.

What’s the worst part about comedy?

Knowing my only skill has literally no purpose in a post-apocalyptic world.

What’s the best part about comedy?

Being around other funny people who make you a funnier person by some sort of hilarity osmosis.

What would you do for this crumpled $2 bill?

Mistake it for garbage.

What are the five topics you tweet about the most?

The frailty of the human race, cliches, popular culture figures like the Hamburglar, rap music, and Air Bud (although I’d like to think I have retired Air Bud tweets, he will certainly make a comeback, but not a good comeback, like a Michael Jordan on the Wizards comeback).

How often do you tweet?

About 5-7 times a day, and I delete 4-5 of those because I am a horrible garbage person.

What do you wish more people would joke about?

Global warming deniers.

Name two underrated people I should look at on the Twitter please and thank you!

@corysnearowski and @robwhisman should have AT LEAST 10,000 followers but no more than 11,000.

What’s a great book you just read?

I’ll give you the great book I’m reading NOW: I Found This Funny, a compilation of funny short stories edited togther by Judd Apatow.

What would stop you from doing comedy?

A minor setback, like a negative internet comment.

How am I doing? Can you smell the watermelons?

You’re doing fine! If nothing, I smell like watermelons because of my part-time job at the town supermarket’s produce department.

What advice do you have for people? Any at all.

Just be a nice person, care about others, and don’t talk to me or look me in the eyes.

Can you give me a ride to the Shell station up the road?

Sure, but you’ll have to find your own ride back because you talked to me.

You can find Brendan on Twitter right here and make sure to check out his Tumblr for much more!

Posted on

LET’S GET TO KNOW RANDI LAWSON (@RANDILAWSON)

This week I got to talk to Randi Lawson, a young lady that is uber-talented at many things: writing, graphic design, stand-up, acting, Vining, etc. She made the badass logo in the corner of my website a couple months back and I was going to give her a shout-out but when I went to her page on Twitter I couldn’t believe how funny she was. We got to meet a couple weeks ago and I’m pleased to announce she is a sweetheart in real life and I am very excited to see where she goes next. Put on your salsa slippers, let’s dance!

Randi Lawson

LET’S GET TO KNOW: RANDI LAWSON (@RANDILAWSON)

HIYA! What’s your name and where do you hang your hat? 

Randi Lawson. Philadelphia, PA

How long have you been doing comedy?

Back in the day, waaay before YouTube I wrote for and was a regular on two popular closed-circuit TV shows at American University. First was a comedy news program (like The Daily Show) and the other was a sketch show. After college I narrowed my focus and pursued a career in graphic design. I’ve been doing “funny” graphic design (tees, games & barware for stores like Spencer’s & Urban Outfitters) for a very cool company called ICUP Inc. for almost a decade now. But I have only been back to working on “comedy” as in stand-up, writing and social media for under a year.

What planet can go suck it?

Mars ’cause it is so close yet so far away. Either back the fuck up Mars or hang out where we can reach ya, ya know?! Jeeez!

What do you think of TWITTER.COM?

Well, people just buy junk at Spencer’s they think is hilarious, but they never know who came up with the joke. My designs have made people laugh in stores, TV and movies, but no one has any idea they came from me. I’ve never done it for the validation or anything, it’s just that on twitter I feel like I am truly representing myself and my sense of humor for the first time. I don’t have to consider the opinion of a customer. It is the most amazing feeling to have the freedom to put my jokes out into the world. Plus I LOVE reading jokes. It inspires me. And I have connected with so many hilarious and super-cool people.
You have three wishes… what are the last two?

An orgy with all 3 Culkins, Fred Savage, Jason Schwartzman, Scott McMicken from Dr. Dog and my twitter crush (he knows who he is ;). And… a life-time supply of Coke Zero.

Who’s you favorite comedian right now?

Doug Benson is my all-time favorite comedian. He is very clever and silly while always keeping his finger on the pulse of pop culture. Plus, I’ve never been a fan mean-spirited comedy. Doug’s extraordinary wit has a light-hearted sweetness that I love. I listen to podcasts all day and his (Doug Loves Movies) is one of my favorites.

What magazine would you like to see published?

Hairless Cat Fancy. I have 2 hairless cats and those little weirdos are a true joy in my life. Check me out on Instagram or Vine if you want to see the little freaks.

If you could go fishing with ANY celebrity, what lake would you go to?

Lake Bell

What’s the worst part about comedy?

When people are cruel to others for a laugh.

What mineral or fruit do you despise and why?

I HATE mushrooms (is that a mineral or fruit?). Well, either way they are like ears and are gross.

What’s the best part about comedy?

I love to laugh and I love when people really make me think. Comedy does both. Simple as it sounds, it’s just fucking true.

What are the five topics you tweet about the most?

My favorite jokes to tweet are these silly scenarios I make up where I pretend to have sexual affairs with celebrities. I also love making pop culture references; especially 80’s and 90’s nostalgia. Plays on words and puns are very fun jokes to write. Topical stuff is great too. I’ll challenge myself on a topic. I’ll write a bunch of jokes on something topical and then tweet my favorite.

How often do you tweet?

Two a day is probably my average give or take.

Will you photoshop me fighting a cat in a forest of lasers?

Yes, that’ll be $80,000.

What do you wish more people would joke about?

Me!

How often do you eat breakfast?

Every morning. I am honestly a very health conscious person, so I like to start my day with a light, nutritious breakfast. I also do a shot of orange juice right after I brush my teeth – ya know, just to keep myself in check.

Do you have any advice for people, just in general?

Yes. It sounds so cheesy, but any success I’ve had in design or comedy has come from being a super-hard worker, practicing my craft constantly and being as nice & grateful as I can be to everyone I encounter. Even if those things don’t lead you to your own successes, they certainly can’t hurt.

Follow Randi on Twitter @RandiLawson and make sure to check out her website. She also takes great pictures on The Instagram and make Vines that make me laugh every time. Check out all her talents!

Posted on

LET’S GET TO KNOW DEMI ADEJUYIGBE (AKA ELECTROLEMON)

The gentleman I got to interview today cracks me up every day, way too hard for someone as young as he is.  He is already a big deal and is going to be a bigger one but he is super nice and humble and I didn’t have to pay him in birds for this interview like I promised I would. Let’s plug in this citrus man!

@electrolemon

LET’S GET TO KNOW: Demi Adejuyigbe (@electrolemon)

HI! What’s your name and where do you currently reside?

Hi hello hey, I’m Demi Adejuyigbe. I currently live in Austin, but now that I’m done with school I guess I live in Dallas and in like 3 months, Los Angeles.

How long have you been doing comedy?

As of the time of writing this, it’s been about zero days for me. If you wanna get technical though, I’ve been using twitter for 5 years but I’ve been using it to tell jokes for the past 9 or so months.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done with or to a head of lettuce?

Made an awful salad with it. Either that or committing the Lettuce Murders of ’77, I guess ‘worst’ is subjective.

What do you think of Twitter?

I think Twitter is incredible. As with everything, it has a fine balance of awful people that middle out with the great ones, but I really do love it. It’s a terrific platform for short form creative writing of any kind, and the 140 character limitation only serves as a boon to creativity.

What superpower would you give to a shoe?
The power to transform into anything. That way, I could transform it into two shoes if I need to go out, or transform it in no shoes if I feel like fucking with the scientific concept of the conservation of matter.

Who’s your favorite comedian right now?

John Mulaney. There are so many few stand-up albums that have made me cry with laughter but John’s two albums manage to do that every time I listen to them, they’re always fresh. I’m super upset NBC passed on his show.

What magazine would you like to see published?

Dog Thoughts Weekly. Sometimes you see a dog and you’re like “The hell is he thinking,” right? That’s where Dog Thoughts comes in.

What’s the worst part about comedy?

@MensHumor has over 2.5 million followers.

What’s the best part about comedy?
You can make a thousand different jokes about a thousand different things, and there will still be some more original jokes to be made. While I do think there are some things you shouldn’t make jokes about, it’s still crazy how close to infinite the possibilities are for humor.

What are the five topics you tweet about the most?

1. What if [popular rapper] was doing this wacky thing?
2. I’m very bad at talking to girls
3. Movies I’ve never seen, but know very well
4. Books I pretended to read in high school, but know very well
5. Songs I heard once in passing at a mall food court, but know very well

How often do you tweet?
Like 20 times a day. It’s unhealthy. Luckily, I delete a lot of tweets to make it look like I’m much cooler, at an average of 12 per day.

What do you wish more people would joke about?

There are not enough jokes about the hit (?) 1994 Disney direct-to-VHS film Blank Check.

What kind of sandwich would you share with Janis Joplin?

Assuming that she’s still alive and I’m not sharing a hoagie with an undead Janis Joplin, it’d probably be just a regular PB&J, but there would be a Post-It inside that says “DON’T DO HEROIN.”

What’s your favorite condiment that hasn’t been invented yet?

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Shredded Bits Of Ham

What would stop you from doing comedy?

Being murdered. Or, if any of my numerous haters are reading this, a nice car.

Do you any advice for people, just in general?

Stop telling me to watch the damn Wire, I’ll get around to it eventually, okay?

Demi Adejuyigbe has all sorts of sick shit going at demiadejuyigbe.com and you can and should follow him on Twitter @electrolemon

 

Posted on

THE SPOTLIGHT: CHRIS JOYNER (@CEEJOYNER)

This week I got to interview the very funny Chris Joyner, aka, @Ceejoyner. He is one of my favorite voices. Incredibly unique, never goes for easy jokes. Enough from “me-ej,” (seej what I did there?! I’m sorry).

Chris Joyner

LET’S GET TO KNOW: Chris Joyner (@Ceejoyner)

What’s your name, alias, and alibi and where do you currently reside?

My name is Chris Joyner, they call me Ceej because I awkwardly insist they do, I never left my house that day and and I live in Montreal.

How long have you been doing comedy?

I’ve had a twitter account for a year, and one time i absolutely killed it at a party with a joke about masturbating in the snow, so 15 years.

What do you honestly think of The Twitter?

I was on the fence about it my first month and then I read a Rob Delaney tweet about Dick Cheney’s heart turning a nurse into a spider goat. That tweet opened doors, man. Doors of the mind. Mental doors, brother. Doors with windows, man. I love twitter.

What would you do on a Zepplin?

I do not trust the flight science of a zepplin and it would be next to impossible to get me on one. If you see me on a zepplin it’s part of a Taken type scenario, and my dad is about to kill everybody.

Who’s your favorite comedian right now?

I saw Louis CK do an amazing set and I like his show. Once I saw Horatio Sanz drunkenly wave a rubber cock around on stage for 5 minutes.

What magazine would you like to see published?

A scene magazine for fancy cats with dyslexia that would be called Cat Fancy (they would see it as Fancy Cat).

Watercolors?

The last watercolor I did was a bunch of tiny whales and sharks and some seals that make up a bigger whale. I don’t understand the question.

What’s the worst part about comedy?

When a news event turns everyone into a topical swarm of Jay Lenos.

What’s the best part about comedy?

Feeling a strong connection with a total stranger when they articulate a sentiment that resonates with you.

What are the five topics you tweet about the most?

Things that are always funny include ham, bees, grandparents, police and jean jackets. Things that are never funny include cocaine jokes and not liking Monday.

How often do you tweet?

I try to take it easy on people and keep it under 5 a day.

What do you wish more people would joke about?

Hair. Braids, ponytails, perms.

What celebrity would you like to arm-wrestle?

I’m going to have to say Natalie Portman. She seems small, and after the win I could easily throw her through some drywall. I am very strong.

What’s your favorite condiment that hasn’t been invented yet?

Skittle chutney, and now it has been invented.

What would stop you from doing comedy?

Probably a football to the nutsack then an anvil falling on my head then a piano after that.

Do you any advice for people, just in general?

For the ladies, summer dresses are delightful and timeless. For guys, never underestimate the importance of some type of sleeve.

FOLLOW @Ceejoyner on the The Twitter!