NEW NAMES FOR EYES: • Real Lookers • Vision Balls • The Watchers • Look Who's Looking Nowsters • TV Ingesters • Stare Masters • Blind Spots
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 1, 2013
A STORY IN THREE PARTS
As a child, I had a terrible memory. I forgot where I lived so often, my parents started nicknaming me "How Does He Keep Finding Us?" (I should mention they moved houses, often in the middle of the night, always without telling me). But when the first shafts of sunshine burst through the tree branches, like Mother nature herself punching through a wet paper towel with a stick made of fists, I was always wide awake and ready to go after resting for two days and crying for three.
"LET THE HUNT BEGIN!" That's what my t-shirt said. Maybe I should have yelled it and started running towards forever for no particular reason, like they do in the movies but instead I decided that before I found my way back new home, I would find out the true meaning of Halloween or at least start a brushfire big enough to get my name on CNN Headline News.
The year didn't matter. Neither did the hairstyles, the latest magic tricks, fashion dogs or the latest fashionable magical hairstyle tricks, my dogs. All that mattered is that it was 1992. I was 1- years-old but my hands were already grizzled from spending the first sixteen months of my life making ornate chandaliers for a wealthy dowager that kidnapped me. They looked like baseball mitts and roast beef eloped, then spent two years fusing in an oven. Needless to say, I wore mittens often.
It was almost November. I remember because the date on the calendar read: 'Oct 31st, 1992.' I could also feel the early onset of a November Rain when Slash came by my turtle's christening unannounced and handed out pieces of his hat. Everyone went wild, especially Slash (that's my turtle's name).
I didn't have a costume that day. I don't have a costume most days. I already dress up and pretend to be someone I'm not every day. you need me to add a cape to that? So I'm wearing my favorite cape over a pair of snow pants, when it hits me: a giant Butterfinger. It must fallen from a tree which was weird because I was inside. I looked around my room and that's when I saw her: Sheila. "HOLY FUCK, SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS," read the back of my t-shirt.
Sheila was my gym teacher the first time I took second grade. She died in class one day of a sudden planned suicide-pact with her girlfriend, Lunch Lady Sheila. It was sad and beautiful at the same time, like old people having sex in soup or a dog that's great at painting but terrible at poker. BOOM! Another Butterfinger hit me, this time right in my elbow. That got my attention because a dead ghost had just thrown two candy bars at me.
TO BE CONTINUED (next post in one hour)
I don't ride the subway often anymore, ever since the ALLEGED "wolverines and Ketamine" incident on the F-Train a few months back, but when I do manage to sneak under a manhole and make the jump onto a speeding train, I try and soak up everyone around me. When I do, I tend to assign them my own made-up personalities. Here is who I saw today:
- Asian Steve Jobs
- A Wall Street hustler
- Asian Steven Tyler
- A spiffy lawyer
- Asian Yoko Ono
- A gay lumberjack
- Asian Banksy
- A kid with a lunchbox and weird eyebrows
- Asian Jesse Plemons
- A fruit vendor with ulterior motives
- Asian Carmen San Diego
- A bird inside a top hat
- Asian Scatman Crothers
- A scientist and his concubine
- Asian Joan of Arc
- A mental health expert with three hands
- Asian Ted Nugent
- A blind woman wearing a THIRD EYE BLIND t-shirt
- Asian Rob Thomas
FREE BAND NAMES:
- Redundant Echo and the Civilized Spoons
- Cheesecake Factory
- Dick Patrol
- The Loners
- The Bachelors
- Monkey See, Monkey Don't
- The Incredible Fucks
- Monday But Not
- Frozen Pizza and the Oven Mitts
- Jeb and his Car Keys
- Elton John Mellencamp Lo
- The Googles
- The Bings
- The Gouts
- The Tinkles
- The Sprinkles
- My Chemical Weapon Romance
- Aerosmith and Wesson
- Dad's Gotta Learn How to Cook
- Sweet Jesus There's a Goat In Our Attic and the Machine
- Stern Looks and Jaded Mustaches
- Oh Shit and the Not Agains
- Yes That's Blood on My Resume
- The Insane Rodeo Clown Posse
- 3000 Icicles
- We Tried All the Jewish Holidays
- Waiter Why Are You Crying Into My Aioli?
- Clifford The Big Red God
- Youra Angelo
1. She only eats soup and duct tape on days ending in nights
2. She has never paid for a drink or health insurance
3. She's freebased with Bumblebee
4. She doesn't understand why the ocean stops at the beach
5. She invented an algorithm that has saved over 30,000 children from cancer clusters
6. She has no idea what an algorithm is
7. She is pleasantly surprised every time her body remembers to breathe for her
8. She can build a tesla coil out of a bobby pin and a toe
9. She only dates vegetarians, people on death row, and members of THE SPIN DOCTORS that AREN'T on death row
10. She once performed open heart surgery to get a walk-on role for JUST SHOOT ME
11. She has no idea who David Spade is
12. She prefers to make love in piles of money with unmarked bills and dollar coins
13. She has two extra fingers and a spare neck
14. She once ate a chicken live to book a commercial for OLD NAVY
15. She wishes that when she signed her deal with the devil she'd also gotten guitar lessons
16. She has no idea what the ocean is
17. She knew what a book was, at one point
18. She has a mansion filled with Optimus Prime toys and cashmere appendages
19. She's stabbed Charlie Sheen twice this week
20. She has invested over $2,000,000 in a watermelon company that promises watermelons WITH SEEDS
21. She has made love inside a Transformer
22. She questions everything, especially people who question things
23. She likes looking at coasters and thinking of sand instead of thinking or remembering to breath all the time
24. She hates oligarchies
25. She still sexts Optimus Prime
Fall is here and you know what that means: leaves are writing their wills, scarves are growing in JO-ANN fabrics, pumpkins are patching, and before you know it, you'll be giving candy to strangers' obese kids, dressed like Thor and Lauren Bacall. School is back in session too. You're probably focused on getting straight A's and scoring Molly for the weekend. Those are important but don't forget: Summer is over and Todd in first period always has some MDMA. Meanwhile, your nemesis is out there and they are waiting for you.
I know your mind is busy thinking about important things like "your future" and "which attic you hid in the bees in" so I've taken time out of my busy day of dojo inspections and talking to commas to write a short list on how you can stay one step ahead of your nemesis at all times or at least until the last leaf falls.
1) Change Your Name
When you find someone that hates you with every fiber of their being, a great gag to pull on them is to legally change your name. Most people know me as Sam Grittner but my real name is Glass Sanchez Torpedoson (I didn't change it because I had a nemesis, just because it was a really fucked up name). They have to go to so much trouble rebuilding their HATE SHRINES, getting new "FUCK MY NEMESIS, SAM" t-shirts and other assorted swag produced on the cheap AND on the fly that you'll completely ruin their weekend.
2) Kill Them With Kindness
This one might seem simple but that's only because it's "technically" illegal: Give them delicious cakes, delectable pastries, and assorted cookies as often as you can (just make sure they all have enough ricin in them to knock out a gym locker room full of elephants).
3) Bury Them Alive (BEFORE They Do It To You)
I had a nemesis once that would do the same thing every Saturday afternoon for four years straight: they'd bury me alive in a pet cemetery. I'm happy to say it only took me two more years after another six, to realize that I could take a pre-emptive strike and bury her alive on Friday night outside the TOYS R' US nearby. Not only did she stop trying to make my life a daily hell, we've since become best friends and exchange recipes and occasionally dog-sit for each other.
4) Take Their Hair
This one isn't for everyone because it's expensive and requires a willing Physician. Knock-out your nemesis using sleeping pills or public radio. Next bring them to a laser hair removal professional. When they wake up in the alley, make sure to place an antique mirror facing them, so when they come to, they immediately see the human mannequin they've become.
5) Replace Their Car With an Animal
So your nemesis wants to go out and fill all your drawers with cat food before setting you on fire just because you got the jump on them and poisoned them and took their hair, huh? Well, imagine their surprise when they go to get in their '93 Subaru Forrester only to see that it's been replaced by a spider monkey or a couple of emus. If there's one thing 99% of all people hate, it's seeing their ride replaced by animals (1% of the population does find it particularly endearing, so be warned).
6) Post Pictures of Them Having Sex With Inanimate Objects
Do you know how to Photoshop? Do you have a photo of your nemesis having sex? Of course you do! Now comes the fun part: picking out the inanimate objects that you want to make people think your mortal enemy is having sexual relationships with! The possibilities are limitless, until you've used all of them: a futon, motorcycle helmet, chopsticks, the state of Wyoming, batteries of any kind or assortment, a cloud that looks like Shelley Long, durable parchment, sticks, stones, stick and stones, their restraining order against you, AYN RAND, quinoa, etc.
7) Learn About Syria
This one might seem puzzling but it's a winner. Bone up on all knowledge of current events but especially the big story right now: Syria. Then, "accidentally" run into your nemesis while they're shopping for urns or while they're getting changed in the morning and casually bring up chemical weapons. Spit all your knowledge and make an Assad out of them. On your way out hand them a homemade coupon good for "SUCKING YOUR BRAIN'S DICK, AGAIN"