NEW NAMES FOR EYES: • Real Lookers • Vision Balls • The Watchers • Look Who's Looking Nowsters • TV Ingesters • Stare Masters • Blind Spots
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 1, 2013
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I SEE SUBWAY PEOPLE…
By Sam Grittner / in Lists / October 3, 2013I don't ride the subway often anymore, ever since the ALLEGED "wolverines and Ketamine" incident on the F-Train a few months back, but when I do manage to sneak under a manhole and make the jump onto a speeding train, I try and soak up everyone around me. When I do, I tend to assign them my own made-up personalities. Here is who I saw today:
- Asian Steve Jobs
- A Wall Street hustler
- Asian Steven Tyler
- A spiffy lawyer
- Asian Yoko Ono
- A gay lumberjack
- Asian Banksy
- A kid with a lunchbox and weird eyebrows
- Asian Jesse Plemons
- A fruit vendor with ulterior motives
- Asian Carmen San Diego
- A bird inside a top hat
- Asian Scatman Crothers
- A scientist and his concubine
- Asian Joan of Arc
- A mental health expert with three hands
- Asian Ted Nugent
- A blind woman wearing a THIRD EYE BLIND t-shirt
- Asian Rob Thomas
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FREE BAND NAMES
By Sam Grittner / in Lists / September 24, 2013FREE BAND NAMES:
- Redundant Echo and the Civilized Spoons
- Cheesecake Factory
- Dick Patrol
- The Loners
- The Bachelors
- Monkey See, Monkey Don't
- The Incredible Fucks
- Monday But Not
- Frozen Pizza and the Oven Mitts
- Jeb and his Car Keys
- Sturflakkkarnardarhhardgggs
- Elton John Mellencamp Lo
- The Googles
- The Bings
- The Gouts
- The Tinkles
- The Sprinkles
- My Chemical Weapon Romance
- Aerosmith and Wesson
- Dad's Gotta Learn How to Cook
- Sweet Jesus There's a Goat In Our Attic and the Machine
- Stern Looks and Jaded Mustaches
- Oh Shit and the Not Agains
- Yes That's Blood on My Resume
- The Insane Rodeo Clown Posse
- 3000 Icicles
- We Tried All the Jewish Holidays
- Waiter Why Are You Crying Into My Aioli?
- Clifford The Big Red God
- Youra Angelo
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25 FACTS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT: NICOLAS CAGE
By Sam Grittner / in Lists, Writing / September 6, 201325 FACTS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT: NICOLAS CAGE
1) His middle name is Batting
2) He has touched the Holy Grail with his dick at least once today
3) He has been alive for 8,000 years and dead for 7,825
4) His favorite kind of music is Bluegrassorangefield
5) He has never seen a cow
6) He has killed over twenty people on movie sets (not while filming)
7) He has never made direct eye contact with himself
8) He has no idea what a movie is
9) He has more swords than you have cells in your body
10) He can speak to dogs, chairs, certain sauces, and the Mayor of Cleveland through telepathy
11) He has never eaten a hot dog that he hasn't personally made
12) He soaks his car keys in his own blood
13) He has no idea who Ralph Nader is
14) He once worked for the CIA, smuggling ACTUAL arms to Cuba
15) He invented water polo when he was high on embalming fluid with Einstein
16) He is scared of horses and watermelons
17) He believes bad luck is only real if you didn't pay the witch with actual money
18) He owns a castle made entirely of leather
19) He speaks perfect English but only in Chinese
20) His adopted child is really a sandbox full of gravy and golden toothpicks
21) He has no idea what global warming is
22) He believes most children are holograms or sandboxes
23) He only makes love in coffins or space shuttles
24) He built his own DNA in a haunted vineyard
25) He wants to ride a horse into the sun but this time do it to inspire the children
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Upcoming MoMa Exhibitions
By Sam Grittner / in Lists, Writing / March 25, 2013UPCOMING MoMa EXHIBITIONS: *Dave Grohl Folds His Laundry *Gwyneth Paltrow Opens and Closes a Refrigerator *Steve Guttenberg Buys Sandals
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 24, 2013
UPCOMING MoMa EXHIBITIONS: *Beck Looks For His Keys *Sally Field Takes Boniva With Iced Tea *John Stamos Tries on Vests *Jamie Lee Curtis Is
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 24, 2013
UPCOMING MoMa EXHIBITIONS: *Harrison Ford Breaks Into a Truck *Chloë Sevigny Fills Out Her Taxes *Kristen Stewart Texts *Bono Saves Algeria
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 25, 2013
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LADY GAGA’S DESIGNER’S TO-GET LIST
By Sam Grittner / in Lists, Writing / January 25, 2013LADY GAGA'S DESIGNER'S TO-GET LIST:
- 10,000 lightbulbs
- Diamond-encrusted glitter
- A case of shoehorns
- Kleenex Boxes filled with horse semen
- Chandelier (that looks like Chandler from FRIENDS)
- Meat! Meat!! Meat!!!
- Jacket made out of bats that look like jackets
- Shoes that are really envelopes
- Rape whistle amulets
- Glitter-encrusted diamonds
- Velcro
- AIDS Quilt Cape
- Face mask composed entirely out of fingernail clippings of Little Monsters
- Bigger Egg
- Sleeveless-sleeves
- Diaper eye patch
- Glitter-encrusted meat diamonds
- Mini-Cooper skirt
- Motorized sarcophagus
- Fanny-pack filled with microchips and Gummi bears
- Member’s Only jean jacket
- Fierce Utility Belt
- Earingtones
- Dignity
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