KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BABY MONOLOGUE JOKES (written by Sam Grittner):

Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy test didn’t read positive or negative it just said “$” (ch-chaing).

Congratulations on the babye!

I know I’m part of the problem but can we just go ahead now and wire the media’s jaw shut for the next nine months? THAT would be ‘Amazing’.

Weird fact: The Kimye baby already weighs 808oz and has a beard.

I know rappers are close but hopefully Jay-Z didn’t make a guest appearance in Kim.

It’s like that old nursery rhyme: First comes fame, then other black dudes, then getting knocked up, and never working a day in your life.

Kanye West, trying to baby proof his life, has already had suicide doors put on four custom-made Maserati Minivans.

There’s a new Kanye/Jay-Z collab dropping soon; be on the lookout for ‘BABYSITTERS IN PARIS’