REVIEW: ‘IRON MAN 3’

‘Iron Man 3’ REVIEW (Author’s note, I have not seen the movie)

IRON MAN 3 is already my favorite movie about a man wearing a suit of some sort of metal that I’ve seen all summer AND SUMMER ISN’T EVEN HERE YET!

The movie has everything any Marvel or non-comic book fan could want or expect from a Summer Blockbuster: explosions, guns, lasers, shadow puppets, RED BULL sponsorship that’s not too overt, cleavage, an airplane crashing into the moon, tanks, moonshine, laser boobs, clutch rides, and even a dragon having sex with a torpedo.

The cast is a bunch of all-stars: Johnny Depp, Hotel Rwanda/Crashie dude, and of course, PEOPLE magazine’s woman of the year, that wife of that u2 band(?) who do what they do best: read lines written by other people really, really well.

I don’t want to give away too much of the plot but here’s a brief summary:

Iron Man gets attacked by NASA for trying to steal all their precious moon juice. The Machine of War is also around, doing important things and tasks. At one point, precious jewels get stolen and they must unite in Argentina. Things look bad for these men made of aluminum(?) but just before the dinosaurs that were genetically designed to eat metal people and music make death befall the entire Southern hemisphere, the one lady comes dressed up in a suit made of adamantium(?) and blows away the dinosaurs with her laser boobs.

There’s a lot of sex and cannibalism in this movie; not more than I expected but definitely not enough.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I enjoyed IRON MAN 3. I would watch it on an iPhone with a delicious RED BULL nearby but I definitely wouldn’t let my kids watch it because they would hog the tiny screen with their smudgy, tiny, fat fingers. I recommend this movie if you are into: shit that blows up, metal, and nail salons.

On a scale of 1 to 5 STARS, I give IRON MAN 3 a yes.

‘Jane Bearye’ (Movie Review)

 

‘JANE BEARYE!’ was amazing. It’s the story of a resilient, orphaned cub who has to make it on her own in this Bear-Eat-Bear world. Jane Bearye is a young cub when she mauls the shit out of another cub and is exiled to Evil Bear Academy where no one one eats honey and instead of picnic baskets and fun hats there are regular beatings and weird hats (no fun!).
Jane escapes and hibernates in weird, dark places with strange cubs. Friends? Foes? I can’t say.

Bearious things happen.

Love. Romance. Lavender Candles. Great lighting. Really weird facial hair even for period Bearpieces such as this.

Jane is looking for the same thing we’re all looking for: True. Bear. Love.

Not the kind of ‘love’ the bottom of a bottle of booze or from the pure adrenaline rush of boosting a public transit unit on nitrous oxide.

No…. True. Bear. Love.

Fresh mackerel. Well-groomed fur. No claws to the face.

I won’t give away the ending suffice to say there may or may not be one but there probably is and if so it’s great.

All in all, I highly recommend ‘JANE BEARYE!’ Hang your cooler from a tree and see it at a theater near you with some friends!!!