Dear People Who Clip Your Nails In Public

Dear People Who Clip Your Nails In Public,

I feel like we shouldn’t even be having this dialogue. It’s like me telling you not to shit in someone’s bunkbed, set loose all their trained Falcons, or continue to insist that 9/11 wasn’t committed by a bunch of janitors that just wanted to cause some hijinks… this is day one stuff. But for whatever reason you continue to be not just a nuisance but a scourge on society. This is no longer cuticle.

Why in God’s nametag do you think it’s justifiable to clip your fingernails in public? “It’s just a part of my body that grows, man… RELAX.” No man, I won’t relax. I won’t go “jogging” or “watch what I eat” or “give up my dream of having sex with all the world Professional Yo-Yo’ers in South America” or “stop criticizing other people for their small foibles even though I have a million of my own.” In fact, as of today I’m going to fight public disgusting body ignorance with even more disgusting body ignorance. BUT PURPOSEFUL IGNORANCE THAT I’M COMPLETELY AWARE OF. The next time I see you on the Subway or at your desk or behind the counter at Orange Julius clipping your fingercovers, I will do one to all of the following:

  • Order a delicious Orange Julius!
  • Give myself a buzzcut while standing directly over you
  • Shave my chest while giving you the “stinkeye” (that’s my bellybutton with stink lines I drew coming ‘out of it’ with sharpie)
  • Perform a briss within five yards of your person
  • Check my balls for testicular cancer while doing a play-by-play narration in my best John Madden voice
  • Perform a sponge bath on the person sitting/standing directly next to you
  • Give you the “poor man’s facial” (see: sneeze on your face)

If you cease and desist, I will too. Also, if you’re the same person that listens to music from the speakerphone on their cellphone I WILL BUY YOU A SET OF HEADPHONES.

Please stop being Mini-Hitlers.

Thanks in advance!!!

Sincerely,

Sam Grittner

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