“Couples Accused as Spies Were the Suburbs Personified”

I hate stories like this. It’s always the same song and dance: the neighbors never suspected a thing.. they thought all of these couples were just normal people who “would talk about gardening and dogs and kids.”

Look, I’m not saying we should all be paranoid, I’m just saying you really can’t trust anybody, especially your neighbors… and you should probably be a little paranoid.

So, I decided to help out…

Unsure if your neighbors are double-agents working for an Eastern Government? Here are some simple things to ask yourself:

At dinner parties and social functions do they make more than eight references to ‘The Motherland’ in an hour?

Instead of nicknames like Babycakes, Mustache MacDougal or Dollface, do they call each other comrade, Boris, #714, or Franky “Nice Niekvlyette” Johnson?

Do they ask to borrow sugar or microfilm?

If you offer them nightvision goggles and blueprints, do they readily accept them?

Have you ever accidentally mixed up one of your recording devices with theirs?

Do they own more than one Black Eyed Peas CD?

Do either of them have more than three visible facial scars that look to be from barbed wire?

Do they often reek of cheap vodka, soup lines, or a sadness that can’t be named?

Have they ever asked you for directions to C.I.A. headquarters and then say ‘Just kidding we meant Dominoe’s!’ ???

If you answered yes to one or more of the questions the odds are you are dealing with a sophisticated double agent. Best bet: citizen’s arrest with blowdart.