Recently a memo that McDonald’s sent to all its employees told them not to eat the food they were selling. Here’s a link to the actual story.
Below is a copy of the completely unedited original version of the memo. I can’t reveal how I obtained it, though I will tip my hat to a certain “King” of “Burgers.”
FROM: MCDONALD’S CORPORATION TOP EXECS
TO: ALL LOWER EMPLOYEES/PEONS/WORKER BEES
Hello employees/family!
It’s recently come to our attention that we haven’t been hitting our numbers for the last three quarters and, upon closer inspection, we think we know the main cause why.
YOU FATTIES ARE EATING TOO MUCH OF OUR FOOD!
How dumb are you dummies? You know our food is basically garbage (minus the basically) that ruins your body, makes you lethargic, and is 1/10th perfume, right?
Of course you do: You’re the ones doing the hard work, day in and day out, turning old cans and leaves into patties and adding perfume to chicken and fries.
We know you can’t afford to eat healthy because we sure as shit don’t pay you enough to live on, let alone support a healthy lifestyle. So we asked our good friend Grimace to come up with some ideas on how to stop eating our food and replace it with something better!
He couldn’t come up with anything so the best we could come with is as follows:
*Eat dirt
*Eat sticks
*Eat rodents
*Eat actual garbage
*Stop eating (bonus: you’ll save $$$!)
*Get back into your crippling meth addiction which is why you work here unless you’re a teenager
*Eat your socks (after your shift)
*Think about eating, just don’t do it
*Sell your hair and save up for the Subway $5 footlong deal
*Kill yourself. JK! WE NEED YOU WORKER BEE!
*Just continue to swallow your pride and pretend that’s delicious food
Thanks for keeping the smiles fresh and the fries french!
WE’RE LOVIN’ YA!
Sincerely,
Your Corporate Overlords and The Clown