*gets down on one knee*
Will you be it's complicated with me?— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 24, 2014
If a cop asks you to turn around, they can't arrest you if you just keep turning.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 22, 2014
*puts out arm*
*falcon lands on it, perfectly*
"I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
*mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 21, 2014
*batman voice*
Could you let the waiter know it's my birthday?— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 19, 2014
Elijah Wood always looks like he just remembered your name.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 14, 2014
"First the World Cup, then the worl- never mind." – Germany
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 13, 2014