Dear Natalie Portman,

You don’t know me but I’m kind of a big deal. My name is Sam and I’m fucking amazing. So are you. You’re a Princess. A Princess wrapped inside an Angel wrapped inside ANOTHER Angel! You make rainbows cry, you’re so beautiful. The only difference between you and the Mona Lisa is that the Mona Lisa looks like a piece of shit…. You can’t be made in God’s image because there’s no way that God is as hot as you. Seriously. You’re epic.

Don’t worry: I’m not crazy! I don’t have voodoo dolls (of you) or write weird poetry (about you) or cry in the grocery store because they’re out of my favorite cereal bar AGAIN. In fact, I’m the opposite of crazy. If anything, I’m SO SANE it’s crazy!!!

Stuff you should know about me:

*I’ve been stung by bees over 18 times in my life but AM STILL NOT AFRAID OF THEM!

*I once ate an entire watermelon in twelve minutes.

*I have a great voodoo doll collection.

*I am tall, dark, and handsome! (except mostly the first, none of the second, and a smattering of the third)

*I can go to sleep just like that!

*I’m the lead singer of my indie-neo-folk/rock fusion band ‘WE SHOT THE BABY AND SMOKED THE NIGHT

*If you ever hear me tell a story about apple picking, DON’T BELIEVE IT! I’ve never done it!

I know what you’re probably thinking right now. You’re thinking: Hey. I’m Natalie Portman. I am just sitting in my trailer, doing my Natalie Portman things that I do. Man do I wish Mr. Right would post a creepy-yet-endearing blog/loveletterthingy at 3:13 in the morning already! Because that’s how I, Natalie Portman, think I will find true love: through a Tumblr post that gets reblogged and RT’d until it reaches my perfect, enchanting, and luminous eyes. Oh, hey! There’s Jude Law’s dad! Hi Mr. La-

Sorry I had to cut myself off there. I could think like you all night!

Anyways, I think you get it: I’m pretty dope and you should get a hold of me. We’ll hit up Applebee’s for lunch in Times Square, then go to the Bronx Zoo and tease the marsupials, then bowling, then back to Applebee’s for Happy Hour then.. who knows??? Make Out Party 5000? Scrapbooking??

If you want to get a hold of me to make your dreams come true my AIM name is: thedarkmustache561.


Sam Grittner

The Time I Got To Meet Rob Delaney

Rob Delaney and Me
Rob Delaney and Me


(ORIGINALLY POSTED January 13th, 2011)

Tonight I had the absolute pleasure of seeing Rob Delaney perform his one man show ‘NAKED AND BLOODY’ at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater in NYC.

I’ve followed Rob on twitter from day one. He has always been one of, if not THE NICEST, MOST FRIENDLY people on the damn thing. His tweets are some of the best writing found right now in modern comedy. His stand-up is amazing. But tonight he put on a fucking show. If he brings it back to New York, SEE IT. If it’s back at UCB/LA SEE IT.

Rob Delaney is the future of comedy: The top of intelligence with some naughty bits tossed in, all presented by a fucking, honest nice guy.

Oh. And I finally got to meet him. 🙂




I know this transmission is 10,000 lightyears late but Earth wasn’t exactly as our slideshows and Plasmapoint presentations had anticipated. I ingested thirteen Truth Capsules before sending this detailed manifesto, so there will be no omissions.

Honesty is the first protocol: I am deeply ashamed to admit that I got caught up for over a decade in what the Humanoids deemed the “Flapper” movement. I lost site again of my mission with the advent of what they call a “pinball machine.” FLASHING LIGHTS! BRIGHT SOUNDS! What they called a “Judge Dredd” THEME!!! The mere thought of getting a high-score still makes three of my tongues salivate… then, finally in their “1990’s” I couldn’t stop watching what they kept repeating was “Must See TV” (I thought it was a command!). I apologize and I know that the Council will have their way with me when I return. In my defense, their slang and brightly colored vests have left me even more stupefied than Dr. Xlargb’s most advanced projections could have foreseen.

Back to the report: Even now in their year “2011” the technology they possess is subpar to ours but they have a secret weapon none of us could have seen coming, a type of all-engulfing lethargy machine installed in their mind-vaults at an early age. They secrete it and utilize it in many ways: through their Big Magic boxes (Television sets), their Regular Magic Boxes (Computers), or their Miniature Magic Boxes (iPhones) which they seem to care more for than most of their small children.

Instead of focusing on how to move forward and advance as a civilization they play word games and worship false idols such as ‘The Snooki’ or ‘The Bieber’ or ‘That One Guy Who Does That One Thing With the Other Thing.” My only fear is that if we try to engage in a rational dialogue, three of our five brains will instantaneously melt and we will happily spend the rest of our lives watching something they call the C4 Network.

This message contains all the vitals that you and the Grand Council of Sleubbe have requested. I have broken them down into three categories: COMBAT READINESS, AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE, and WORK-OUT TAPES.


By my calculations Earth will have over 15 billion people by the time of the planned arrival. Though the Humans possess firepower that is equal if not more advanced then ours, there are more pressing issues.

First, in the landmass they call “America” there are a breed of nihilistic individuals who are bent on the destruction of anything they fear. They are destroying the Earth planet’s resources and sowing discontent and fear of their fellow man and woman at an astounding rate.

They go by the moniker of “Republicans.” They are easily identified: they are all old, white or bright orange with terrible headhelmets (what the Earth people call “haircuts”). They have no sense of decency. I’ve seen with my own fourteen eyes a man they deemed the “Below” or “Vice” President shoot HIS VERY OWN FRIEND IN THE FACE. Even with my sixty tentacles I find the very thought almost impossible to grasp.

My only concern is that this group will destroy Earth and all of it’s natural resources before the first Starships have arrived.

The good news is that these same people have armed other countries with the same weapons, so the best case scenario is they will destroy all humankind but leave the Earth itself untouched. That way, we will hopefully still have access to all their wind power, precious elements, and Water Parks.


The average human is surprisingly smart at an early age. They have a firm grasp on all the possibilities that life has to offer them. The younger the specimen the brighter they seem to be. With the invention of the Magic Box (television) human society had a chance to show their future leaders what was possible with programs and instructional videos with educational themes. However, it seems that society opted instead to broadcast digital bile that has brainwashed and all but killed the imaginations of entire generations.

This can be a great boon to us for a completely non-hostile takeover! We simply need to construct the world’s largest reality show called THE HUMAN ZOO. We will have all the humans enter a giant gated community with promises of fame, fortune, and brand new Chevy Malibus, then simply throw away the key. Mission accomplished with no use of our laser-face melters!


I have studied every aspect of this and have come to one conclusion. The one they call Jane Fonda has mastered this avenue. We will make her The Emperor’s Queen and finally tighten up our glutes and 38-packs (Be advised however, she will make us do charity work). Make sure to bring all the Spandex that you can find!

In conclusion, unless the Earth society enters a new age of Enlightenment this planet is still ripe for the picking. I just ate two dogs and bought the Ke$ha album. Sorry… the Truth Capsules are still in effect.


‘Jane Bearye’ (Movie Review)


‘JANE BEARYE!’ was amazing. It’s the story of a resilient, orphaned cub who has to make it on her own in this Bear-Eat-Bear world. Jane Bearye is a young cub when she mauls the shit out of another cub and is exiled to Evil Bear Academy where no one one eats honey and instead of picnic baskets and fun hats there are regular beatings and weird hats (no fun!).
Jane escapes and hibernates in weird, dark places with strange cubs. Friends? Foes? I can’t say.Bearious things happen.

Love. Romance. Lavender Candles. Great lighting. Really weird facial hair even for period Bearpieces such as this.

Jane is looking for the same thing we’re all looking for: True. Bear. Love.

Not the kind of ‘love’ the bottom of a bottle of booze or from the pure adrenaline rush of boosting a public transit unit on nitrous oxide.

No…. True. Bear. Love.

Fresh mackerel. Well-groomed fur. No claws to the face.

I won’t give away the ending suffice to say there may or may not be one but there probably is and if so it’s great.

All in all, I highly recommend ‘JANE BEARYE!’ Hang your cooler from a tree and see it at a theater near you with some friends!!!

Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth: An Essay

“Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth”

The statistics are jarring: Only 1 out of every 500 American children are issued a handgun when they are born.


We live in a nation of Inventors, Musicians, Doctors, Scientists, Hat-Makers, Underrated Doo-Wop Groups, Mexicans, Oprah, Lasagna Tonyas, That Weird Asian Guy With Two(?) Mustaches, Religious Fanatics, MENSA members, Earls, Online Movie Reviewers, and Circus Folk. How is it possible that with all that brainpower at our disposal, our youth, the most precious natural resource of all (after gold, oil, and gold cocaine) aren’t being given the protection they need and deserve?

We have a Black President, a White House, an Orange Speaker of the House, and my pee looked red this morning. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN AMERICA… as long as you live long enough to make your dreams a reality and drink blood before you go to bed.

Do you know how many innocent babies are murdered on the way home from the hospital on any given weekday? Me either. But probably a lot (maybe). We can do something about this today IF Congress will finally step up and enact the legislation I’ve been proposing for the last nine months. Here is the law in its entirety:

Henceforth, upon vaginal evacuation any Baby, Child, or Benjamin Button-esque type Creature will IMMEDIATELY be issued two Beretta Semi-Automatic handguns equipped with Laser Sights and forty cases of armor-piercing bullets. Said Child will be offered a Gun Safety Course (to be redeemed upon their eighth birthday). They shall also be given a Trained Falcon to be named at a time of their choosing. The Falcon shall be trained in: Squawking, Mortal Enemy Eye Removal, Turning on Lights, Gun Maintenance, and Answering Phones.

“But Sam! Babies can’t talk, walk, or Favstar! They’re basically Roombas that shit and cry instead of vacuum and never question why I’m peeing in these jars. And what in the bejeesus is this Falcon thing?!?”

I hear your protests of ignorance but let me ask you this: If you saw a baby with two guns and a trained falcon would you think about stealing it’s diaper and selling it to another stupider baby? Or would you shit your pants and wish you had a diaper of your own? I’m guessing number two.

Stop wasting time. Innocent babies are (maybe?) being attacked as of this writing. Call your local Congressperson today and tell them they need to enact the ‘BABYGOTGAT’ legislation before it’s too late.

***For more information on Babies, Guns, Falcons, or pretty much anything don’t go to your local library, just use your computer or ask someone with most of their teeth***