If every day is a gift then Mondays are from SPENCER'S.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 29, 2013
I was always very young as a child.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 28, 2013
During summer we should elevate the Lincoln Memorial, give him a whistle, sunglasses, and shorts. Who's more appropriate for a lifeguard?
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 26, 2013
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 25, 2013
This week I chatted with a mysterious gal from the World Wide Interwebs. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting her in real life; we had a delightful time and still have plans to kidnap a waterfall. Her name is Nikki (@squirreljustice). She is weird, she is strange, and she’s a brilliant writer. Put those pork chops in the freezer and tell Pop Pop he’ll have to eat tomorrow, let’s get to know Nikki!
LET’S GET TO KNOW: NIKKI A.K.A. (@Squirreljustice)
I'll go out of my way to ruin your day if I see you wearing a "Life is Good" shirt.
— Nikki (@Squirreljustice) December 1, 2012
Hello person! You got a name?
Hi Sam, it’s me Nikki. We actually met at the NYC tweetup, but since we were heavily intoxicated from licking poisonous frogs, I can see how that little detail would have gotten lost in the mix. I din’t want to have to bring this up, but you still haven’t returned my latex onesie or prosthetic eye. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Correct!]
How long have you been doing the funnies? Do you comedy aside from Twitter?
I have been on Twitter for about 4 years, with occasional breaks to pee, complete court-ordered rehab for poisonous frog-licking addiction and to choreograph sweet hip-hop dance routines in my driveway. I actually tried stand-up a few times after I moved to NYC after college, and I was so good at it, everyone in attendance suggested I never step foot on a stage again. It was the right thing to do because it inspired me to fulfill my dreams of becoming a low-paid performer/dancer at Disney World, and ultimately a low-paid videographer living in the rectal region of New Jersey.
Sharks or bees and why?
I’m gonna have to go with bees on this one. I respect their work ethic and their tenacity in trying to kill me everyday. I am extremely allergic to bees, so much so, I require a violent EpiPen injection into my heart when that Honey Nut Cheerios bee appears on TV. I would imagine that I’m also highly allergic to shark bites as well. Either way, this line of questioning is really making me nervous.
What’s your favorite activity to do in real life?
My favorite activity is playing tennis. I know this is hard to imagine considering my gang history growing up on the mean streets of Raleigh, NC. Whenever I had a stressful day busting caps in asses, running from the po-po and generally causing mayhem in the Lilly Pulitzer Outlet Store, I’d head over to the country club to work on my backhand with fellow gang member and doubles partner, Whitney “Mad Dog” Kensington. RIP girl, gone too soon.
Copa or Cabana?
I first read this as COPD or Cabana, and this was really conflicting for me. COPD might not be so bad. Imagine rolling up in the club with a tricked out oxygen tank, twerking in between using your rescue inhaler and really bringing the house down with a full blown pulmonary embolism to the funky fresh beats of DJ Wrongholz on the wheels of steel. On second thought, a cabana sounds really nice too.
Who’s your favorite comedian right now?
This may be in violation of the protective order but I absolutely love Dave Hill. He was one of the first people I followed on Twitter and everything he writes is so effortlessly funny. I’ve seen him at UCB and he really puts on a great show. If you ever find yourself on house arrest with some time to kill, I would highly recommend buying his book, reading his blog from start to finish and signing up for his email updates. His writing is nothing short of brilliant.
I just gave you 500 toothbrushes. WHAT DO YOU DO????
First of all, I would be extremely self-conscious about this. Is my breath that bad? OK, so maybe I shouldn’t have eaten those 4-day old leftover conch fritters and gotten all up in your grill to talk in great length about hearty halibut helpings, but is that any reason to react in such a hurtful and financially irresponsible manner? I would probably graciously accept the aforementioned toothbrushes and sell them at a seedy NJ flea market and use the proceeds to score some more poisonous frogs. It’s a vicious cycle.
What’s the worst part about comedy?
I am not a fan of jokes made at the expense of people with disabilities. There are so many awful people out there who are worthy of getting skewered (ProdigalSam, Mark McGrath, my town’s comptroller, et al) and I think that going after the disadvantaged is cheap and shows a real defect in character.
What’s the best part about comedy?
As far as the comedy element on Twitter goes, I’d have to say that I’ve met some really cool people, @fleshcake, @stellartwot, @senorwinces and @wordsofahooker to name a few. I’m consistently in awe of @untresor, who cranks out the most unbelievably outlandish tweets like it’s nothing. I’m not sure, but I think he might be a cyborg or possibly even Oprah. It’s also great for my already over-inflated ego to get recognized by famous people. Whenever I get retweeted or a FF from a famous person, I like to print it out and use it to cut in lines or as a substitute for a tip. I think the gals at Red Lobster really get a kick out of waiting on royalty and this kind of generosity is just one of the ways I like to stay humble.
What would you do with $250,000?
I’d prearrange my funeral arrangements with a dope ass mausoleum surrounded by a lazy river so people can chillax while paying their respects to me (No lifeguard on duty).
What are the five topics you tweet about the most?
1. The elderly and how they are constantly inconveniencing me with their mere existence.
3. Elderly Wolves
4. Mark McGrath propaganda
How often do you tweet?
I haven’t been tweeting much lately because it’s really starting to interfere with my Candy Crush progress. Sometimes I’ll go a few days without tweeting and out of sheer desperation, I’ll get baked and write something profound (idiotic) about the Scooby Doo bats. I have found that this is a fantastic way to lose followers.
What do you wish more people would joke about?
Definitely the Scooby Doo bats. I think that should be a staple in everyone’s Twitter feed.
Name two underrated people I should look at on Twitter please and goddamned thank you!
I really enjoy @earthfalcon33 who is another person from NC who may or may not be in a ruthless gang. He actually posted his phone number one time, so I waited a few months and started sending him random texts about planning his upcoming quinceanera. He totally ran with it and needless to say, his quinceanera was the talk of the town. I also think you should check out @iheartsoups. He is currently in a negative frame of mind, but that’s just par for the course when you’re trying to balance being a goth teen and managing a successful cranberry bog.
Cats or rocks? Why? and WHY NOT?
I feel like you’re trying to trip me up in these questions, but what you don’t know is that I went on a 2 week mescaline bender in the late 90’s and these kinds of questions are right up my alley. The answer is rocks. Have you ever tried throwing a cat through your ex-boyfriend’s window at 4am? I have, and a rock is more efficient, not to mention being slightly more humane. I’ve also discovered that cats in their melted form are not lava in the way rocks are. Don’t ask me how I know this.
What celebrity would you like to swap spit with (not kiss, literally exchange spit, like momma birds)?
Hmm, that’s a tough one. I’d probably accept a regurgitated cronut from Dan Marino. I’d then use at least 6 of my 500 toothbrushes. You’re a visionary, Sam.
What would stop you from doing comedy?
A stern warning from the Surgeon General or maybe something along the lines of an angry mob wielding hatchets and chanting “STOP DOING COMEDY!”
What pearls of wisdom do you have for aspiring writers?
Write from the heart, and always wipe front to back.
My nest egg is just a Cool Ranch Dorito with what I believe is the image of Elián Gonzalez riding a falcon.
— Nikki (@Squirreljustice) November 7, 2012
My favorite sports are: the one with the ball and not dying.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 24, 2013