"I want to wear an umbrella on my head that could also smuggle a dinosaur egg." – Inventor of the sombrero
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 5, 2013
I don't get the big deal about prison. Just befriend the guy who looks like Morgan Freeman and get some posters.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 3, 2013
‘Iron Man 3’ REVIEW (Author’s note, I have not seen the movie)
IRON MAN 3 is already my favorite movie about a man wearing a suit of some sort of metal that I’ve seen all summer AND SUMMER ISN’T EVEN HERE YET!
The movie has everything any Marvel or non-comic book fan could want or expect from a Summer Blockbuster: explosions, guns, lasers, shadow puppets, RED BULL sponsorship that’s not too overt, cleavage, an airplane crashing into the moon, tanks, moonshine, laser boobs, clutch rides, and even a dragon having sex with a torpedo.
The cast is a bunch of all-stars: Johnny Depp, Hotel Rwanda/Crashie dude, and of course, PEOPLE magazine’s woman of the year, that wife of that u2 band(?) who do what they do best: read lines written by other people really, really well.
I don’t want to give away too much of the plot but here’s a brief summary:
Iron Man gets attacked by NASA for trying to steal all their precious moon juice. The Machine of War is also around, doing important things and tasks. At one point, precious jewels get stolen and they must unite in Argentina. Things look bad for these men made of aluminum(?) but just before the dinosaurs that were genetically designed to eat metal people and music make death befall the entire Southern hemisphere, the one lady comes dressed up in a suit made of adamantium(?) and blows away the dinosaurs with her laser boobs.
There’s a lot of sex and cannibalism in this movie; not more than I expected but definitely not enough.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I enjoyed IRON MAN 3. I would watch it on an iPhone with a delicious RED BULL nearby but I definitely wouldn’t let my kids watch it because they would hog the tiny screen with their smudgy, tiny, fat fingers. I recommend this movie if you are into: shit that blows up, metal, and nail salons.
On a scale of 1 to 5 STARS, I give IRON MAN 3 a yes.
(I was asked to submit a brief, fictional ‘The Bachelorette’ story yesterday so I wrote this:)
Dear Fans/Future Lovers/Family,
It’s me, Paul Bronso AKA ‘The Match,’ that was kicked off of Season 19 of ‘The Bachelorette.’ You know my infamous nickname because of “the incident” and today, I’m legally allowed to explain my side of things.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve made a killing as a used wig salesmen, so I obviously don’t need money or fame. People also constantly mistake me for an obese Ryan Gosling so I pretty much have it made.
I just want the undying love of a perfectly sculpted woman, that’s all.
When Tarva said my name, my heart skipped and so did I, and that’s when I ACCIDENTALLY knocked her into the forest of candles that my lawyer has made explicitly clear were a fire hazard created by the show. As her hair burst into flames, so did my chances for true love with a complete stranger.
Tarva’s hair grew back but I don’t know if the hole in my heart ever will (literally, it’s a birth defect).
I’m trying to look on the bright side though; just because I got burned by loved doesn’t meant I can’t find that spark again.
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram: ONEOFTHEPAULBRONSOS and Twitter @T_H_EPAUL_BRONZO6985
Girl are you the restrictive family-planning guidelines from China cuz there is only one of you
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 2, 2013
LET’S GET TO KNOW: Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne)
There's no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 6, 2013
What’s your name and where do you currently reside?
My name is Eliza Bayne and I live in Los Angeles, THE CITY OF DREAMS.
How long have you been doing comedy?
I’ve been dabbling in comedy for years but I’ve only really focused on comedy writing in the past year. I wasn’t really using Twitter for jokes until a comedian friend of mine told me that I needed to start writing down all the silly things I was saying. And I was like WHAT and he was like YEAH and I was like OKAYYYY. So I began writing down ideas, and then more ideas and then tossing them out in the twittersphere. Since then I’ve had the opportunity to write and act in some fun sketches, write humorous articles and just recently booked a supporting role in a romantic comedy coming out later this year. I’m also writing an original pilot. Can I get a hell yeah?!?
What do you honestly think of Twitter?
I think Twitter is a great way to get your stuff out there, network and hone your writing skills. All without ever having to leave your house! I’ve also met some really great people off of Twitter. A lot of artists and comedians and other deranged people I adore. I love that Twitter creates a direct line between you and your audience. No more agents or producers telling you “no.” Let the people tell you “no” and “you suck!” HUZZAH.
Sharks or bees and why?
Sharks. No question. Is there a Bee Week? No. Who’s cooler? Quint from Jaws or Macaulay Culkin at the end of My Girl? Bees can suck it.
Who’s your favorite comedian right now?
Amy Schumer or TJ Miller. I realize those are two but sometimes you gotta break the rules. Right now I am also wearing horizontal stripes, which is a total no-no for my body shape. RIDE OR DIE MAN!!!
What magazine would you like to see published?
A magazine with beautiful women sucking on lollipops and trying to yank off their tank tops. Not to brag but I think I’m onto something here.
What would you do with $50,000?
SO MUCH! Ooh! I’d do a big shopping spree. Just like Pretty Woman except I’m not a hooker. That would be amazing. Ugh. Now I’m depressed I don’t have $50,000.
What’s the worst part about comedy?
Feeling pressure to always be funny.
What’s the best part about comedy?
Comedy is a great stress reliever. It’s also a great way to get people to see things in a different way when you can find the humor in a situation. There’s a quote: “If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.” I’m pretty sure they’re talking about anal.
What are the five topics you tweet about the most?
Fried chicken, pizza, depression, life, anxiety. Whoa. WHAT A CATCH!
How often do you tweet?
Twitter is basically World of Warcraft for me. I try to do about 6 tweets a day and then go outside and talk to people in real life. LOL. JK!
What do you wish more people would joke about?
I think if more people had the ability to laugh at themselves, the world would be a better place. Which is why I love Celebrity Roasts. Being able to sit there, roll with the punches and get roasted shows a lot of character to me. We’re all flawed individuals so why not laugh about it?
What celebrity would you like to arm-wrestle?
Nic Cage. Even regular wrestle! Throw me in the UFC Cage with Cage! I think I could take him.
What would stop you from doing comedy?
Sometimes when I’m going through a difficult time, it’s hard to feel funny and make jokes. Conversely, it’s also the reason why I make jokes.
Do you any advice for people, just in general?
STOP BEING JERKS.
Guys, you won't believe this but I just saw a centaur with the head of a horse!
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) September 20, 2012
For more info about Eliza and what she’s working on, go to her website here.