Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth: An Essay

“Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth”

The statistics are jarring: Only 1 out of every 500 American children are issued a handgun when they are born.

Incredible.

We live in a nation of Inventors, Musicians, Doctors, Scientists, Hat-Makers, Underrated Doo-Wop Groups, Mexicans, Oprah, Lasagna Tonyas, That Weird Asian Guy With Two(?) Mustaches, Religious Fanatics, MENSA members, Earls, Online Movie Reviewers, and Circus Folk. How is it possible that with all that brainpower at our disposal, our youth, the most precious natural resource of all (after gold, oil, and gold cocaine) aren’t being given the protection they need and deserve?

We have a Black President, a White House, an Orange Speaker of the House, and my pee looked red this morning. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN AMERICA… as long as you live long enough to make your dreams a reality and drink blood before you go to bed.

Do you know how many innocent babies are murdered on the way home from the hospital on any given weekday? Me either. But probably a lot (maybe). We can do something about this today IF Congress will finally step up and enact the legislation I’ve been proposing for the last nine months. Here is the law in its entirety:

Henceforth, upon vaginal evacuation any Baby, Child, or Benjamin Button-esque type Creature will IMMEDIATELY be issued two Beretta Semi-Automatic handguns equipped with Laser Sights and forty cases of armor-piercing bullets. Said Child will be offered a Gun Safety Course (to be redeemed upon their eighth birthday). They shall also be given a Trained Falcon to be named at a time of their choosing. The Falcon shall be trained in: Squawking, Mortal Enemy Eye Removal, Turning on Lights, Gun Maintenance, and Answering Phones.

“But Sam! Babies can’t talk, walk, or Favstar! They’re basically Roombas that shit and cry instead of vacuum and never question why I’m peeing in these jars. And what in the bejeesus is this Falcon thing?!?”

I hear your protests of ignorance but let me ask you this: If you saw a baby with two guns and a trained falcon would you think about stealing it’s diaper and selling it to another stupider baby? Or would you shit your pants and wish you had a diaper of your own? I’m guessing number two.

Stop wasting time. Innocent babies are (maybe?) being attacked as of this writing. Call your local Congressperson today and tell them they need to enact the ‘BABYGOTGAT’ legislation before it’s too late.

***For more information on Babies, Guns, Falcons, or pretty much anything don’t go to your local library, just use your computer or ask someone with most of their teeth***

AMERICA THE STUPID (AND THAT’S FINE BY ME)

I was having coffee in a friend’s solarium recently where we had a fascinating conversation about celebrities, fame, and America’s obsession with America’s obsession with fame and celebrities.

My friend decried it all: “I’m so sick of how dumb the American people are. Instead of talking about truly important topics, all I hear about is J-Lo this, Pooty-Tang that, Casey Anthony this AND that. Why aren’t we discussing urgent matters like the deficit, rampant poverty, AIDS, or our lagging education system? It’s like the American people are being spoon fed hot bullshit and asking for seconds while screaming or posting ‘FIRST!’ Are they all stupid? I just wish they’d put down their iPhones, Baconators, and stop watching Nancy Grace. It’s like they’ll believe/listen to/eat anything!”

I completely agree and disagree with my friend. Let me break it down point by point:

“I’m so sick of how dumb the American people are”

FIRST! of all I don’t think the American people are dumb. I know it. Not all of them are (like you reading this, you are intelligent and sexy and probably built a mountain through sheer force of will and sediment and tiger bones) but most. Disagree? How? Do you have eyes and ears that function properly? I see more people with Fedoras, ironic mustaches, and Ed Hardy lip gloss than I do Asians nowadays. Just last week a guy asked me if I had a potato and then ran away before I could say yes! If that isn’t the definition of stupidity then I don’t know what is.

I still haven’t heard the song ‘Friday’ but I know that ‘THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC!’ Volumes 1-79 have outsold most of my favorite bands. So yeah, most Americans probably are pretty dumb. So what? Surround yourself with the smart, cool ones and learn how to make a shiv out of floss and you’ll be just fine.

“Instead of talking about truly important topics…”

I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment but you can’t change a seal into a toothbrush, at least not overnight (I’ve tried). The culture we live in feeds upon itself. When cable television arrived that sealed the deal for us as a country. People are naturally lazy and love to watch other people’s misery. Did you watch the OJ bronco chase? YES. YOU DID. WE ALL DID. Why? EXACTLY.

When the Internet became accessible for most of the country that was the nail in the coffin. Before that if you wanted to see someone get hit in the balls or a puppy dressed as an air conditioner you had to watch ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ and buy a lot of cardboard and a puppy. I just googled ‘hit in the balls’ and got 10,000,000,000,000 results (the FIRST! 10,000 are HILARIOUS by the way).

I love following the real news. Politics, the state of our environment, international relations are fascinating to me. But when given the choice to read or hear about archaic tax codes and countries with weird sounding names OR see a video of a 14 year old from Utah detonating a pumpkin with C-4 our brains are naturally inclined to “go for the shiny” stuff.

Stop complaining about it and just find the balance. For every YouTube video I watch I read one news article about Kyrsadsgazkistan. If I watch five minutes of TMZ, I do ten hours of volunteer work and bleach my eyes. FIND YOUR OWN BALANCE.

 ”It’s like they’ll believe/listen to/eat anything!”

Will people believe anything? Yes. I started this piece by telling you about the discussion I had with a friend. Well guess what? I don’t have a single friend (that owns a solarium)! You believed me because that’s your natural inclination. We want to. And yes, people will eat a cabin made out of hamburgers if you price it under $10. So what? Stop complaining about how stupid everybody is…

If some fat person wants to eat half a cow for breakfast, that’s awesome. They’ll die sooner and that’s one less person in front of me at Duane Reade.

If New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys can sell out stadiums, that’s swell! It just makes my snooty taste in music even snootier and makes me feel smarter and classy, like a bathrobe made out of vinyl records.

If America wants to become enthralled with an alleged babykiller or a celebrity’s sexual peccadillos I don’t blame them. I still think about those dead birds that fell out of the sky. Why? I don’t know and I really don’t care. I just continue to open the door for strangers, smile at babies, and try not to be a douchebag. That’s all I can do. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go bleach my eyes and find a soup kitchen that needs some help.

FIRST!!!!!!!

MISSED CONNECTION (July 19th, 2011)

Missed Connection:

Last week on a crowded Brooklyn bound F-Train.You: low cut green blouse and pants that appeared to be made out of bark. You had most of your teeth and had obviously had just shined your hook hand.Me: I was the one in the pleather kimono trying to sell my self-hypnosis DVD’s. I made eye contact with your good eye.

If you’re out there dream woman, start one of those fires with black smoke that rises in the sky like in ‘LOST.’ I’ll be there in twenty minutes or three days (depending on if this wheelchair that I souped-up works).

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME…

 A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME…

  • Mortimer
  • Julius
  • Template Voodoo
  • Nexium
  • Charlie
  • Kettuce
  • Mooku
  • James
  • Jamie
  • Jam
  • Flibbergopple
  • Red Flower Thingy
  • Microwave
  • Maximum Treefort
  • Stoop
  • Toby Maguire
  • Razzle Dazzle
  • Von Biver
  • Crupe
  • Chateau House of the Teepee
  • Stanley
  • Coot
  • Shemple

KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BABY MONOLOGUE JOKES

KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BABY MONOLOGUE JOKES (written by Sam Grittner):

Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy test didn’t read positive or negative it just said “$” (ch-chaing).

Congratulations on the babye!

I know I’m part of the problem but can we just go ahead now and wire the media’s jaw shut for the next nine months? THAT would be ‘Amazing’.

Weird fact: The Kimye baby already weighs 808oz and has a beard.

I know rappers are close but hopefully Jay-Z didn’t make a guest appearance in Kim.

It’s like that old nursery rhyme: First comes fame, then other black dudes, then getting knocked up, and never working a day in your life.

Kanye West, trying to baby proof his life, has already had suicide doors put on four custom-made Maserati Minivans.

There’s a new Kanye/Jay-Z collab dropping soon; be on the lookout for ‘BABYSITTERS IN PARIS’