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MISSED CONNECTION: Costco Parking Lot

MISSED CONNECTION:

You were an Angel, screaming at airplanes in the parking lot of Costco. Our eyes locked just as you pulled the last of your hair out. It was as red as the red in the RED LOBSTER signs I’ve heard of in modern lore. I was wearing bermuda shorts and a vintage wedding gown that I may or definitely may have stolen from a yacht earlier in the day. You smelled of tapioca and longing. Set your jean jacket on fire, I’ll find you.

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25 FACTS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT: NICOLAS CAGE

25 FACTS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT: NICOLAS CAGE

NICKCAGE

1) His middle name is Batting

2) He has touched the Holy Grail with his dick at least once today

3) He has been alive for 8,000 years and dead for 7,825

4) His favorite kind of music is Bluegrassorangefield

5) He has never seen a cow

6) He has killed over twenty people on movie sets (not while filming)

7) He has never made direct eye contact with himself

8) He has no idea what a movie is

9) He has more swords than you have cells in your body

10) He can speak to dogs, chairs, certain sauces, and the Mayor of Cleveland through telepathy

11) He has never eaten a hot dog that he hasn’t personally made

12) He soaks his car keys in his own blood

13) He has no idea who Ralph Nader is

14) He once worked for the CIA, smuggling ACTUAL arms to Cuba

15) He invented water polo when he was high on embalming fluid with Einstein

16) He is scared of horses and watermelons

17) He believes bad luck is only real if you didn’t pay the witch with actual money

18) He owns a castle made entirely of leather

19) He speaks perfect English but only in Chinese

20) His adopted child is really a sandbox full of gravy and golden toothpicks

21) He has no idea what global warming is

22) He believes most children are holograms or sandboxes

23) He only makes love in coffins or space shuttles

24) He built his own DNA in a haunted vineyard

25) He wants to ride a horse into the sun but this time do it to inspire the children

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WHAT CHUCK TODD HAS ON HIS PERSON RIGHT NOW (Sep. 5th 2013, 9:53 PM CTS)

WHAT CHUCK TODD HAS ON HIS PERSON RIGHT NOW: Mayonaisse, two wigs, a cigar, a Rosie the Riveter sock puppet, droplets from the bosom of a nubile scientist, a doctor’s note excusing him from not having a doctor’s note, fourteen beard trimmers, a really kickass flute, blueberry jam, four thousand ties, an extra set of eyeballs, a map to the fountain of youth, more condoms than your mind can ever imagine