Sam Grittner.COM

Paris Hilton wakes up in the middle of a bowling alley. It’s 4am, she’s in South Sudan, and she’s ready to party. She goes outside into the crisp, dusk breeze, takes out a pack of Marlboro Reds and proceeds to eat them while getting out her cellphone. When the nicotine rush hits, she blacks out. She wakes up in the middle of a bowling alley in South Sudan. It’s 5am and she’s ready to party.

Paris Hilton goes outside and looks for her smokes. “Weird,” she thinks to herself. She takes out her cellphone and looks at her MISSED CALLS: Matt Damon, Winona Ryder, The Spoonman from the Soundgarden video Guy? She texts Matt Damon but he doesn’t respond so she gets into a stranger’s limo and opens her purse. She takes out a small duffle bag of cocaine and does it all in one snort. When the blow hits, she whites out. She wakes up in the middle of a bowling alley. It’s 6am in South Sudan and Paris Hilton is feeling nauseous and her nose is bleeding like a leaky firehose but she is ready to party.

Paris Hilton goes outside and looks for her smokes. When she can’t find them, she reaches 6 feet into her purse but alas, no duffel bag of yayo to be found. She takes out her cellphone. One new text from Matt Damon, “Who is this?” Paris starts to feel sad but she’s still so numb from the cocaine she literally can’t feel feelings right now. She ducks into a back-alley and opens her purse. She digs, like a squirrel-racoon hybrid on cocaine and cigarettes, and finally comes across the tiny, leather black bag. She takes out the needle and the heroin. Her phone buzzes but she doesn’t look. “More like Matt DUMBon. Like, that’s really clever. I wish it wasn’t just me and those three dead horses in this alley. Someone should definitely hear that. I should text Matt!” When the heroin hits, it hits like an anchor being launched from a rocket launcher. She browns out and wakes up in the middle of a bowling alley. It’s 7am in South Sudan and Paris Hilton is bleeding internally, externally, one of her eyes has dropped out, her feet just fell off but she is READY TO PARTY. She gets up and falls down onto a bowling ball.

Matt Damon looks over at Jeff Goldblum’s cousin Geph Goldblum and says, “Doesn’t Boy George over there look like Paris Hilton.” He never ends up winning the game.