HOW TO TELL IF YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE SPIES (A MINI-GUIDE)

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE SPIES (A MINI-GUIDE)

Usually to escape the raging Demon screams that haunt my brain jar (head) every morning, I’ll start my day off with some Chex Mix, yogurt, a little bit of nitrous, and catch up on the news. As I was reading the New York Times today I came across this article:

“Couples Accused as Spies Were the Suburbs Personified”

I hate stories like this. It’s always the same song and dance: the neighbors never suspected a thing.. they thought all of these couples were just normal people who “would talk about gardening and dogs and kids.”

Look, I’m not saying we should all be paranoid, I’m just saying you really can’t trust anybody, especially your neighbors… and you should probably be a little paranoid.

So, I decided to help out…

Unsure if your neighbors are double-agents working for an Eastern Government? Here are some simple things to ask yourself:

At dinner parties and social functions do they make more than eight references to ‘The Motherland’ in an hour?

Instead of nicknames like Babycakes, Mustache MacDougal or Dollface, do they call each other comrade, Boris, #714, or Franky “Nice Niekvlyette” Johnson?

Do they ask to borrow sugar or microfilm?

If you offer them nightvision goggles and blueprints, do they readily accept them?

Have you ever accidentally mixed up one of your recording devices with theirs?

Do they own more than one Black Eyed Peas CD?

Do either of them have more than three visible facial scars that look to be from barbed wire?

Do they often reek of cheap vodka, soup lines, or a sadness that can’t be named?

Have they ever asked you for directions to C.I.A. headquarters and then say ‘Just kidding we meant Dominoe’s!’ ???

If you answered yes to one or more of the questions the odds are you are dealing with a sophisticated double agent. Best bet: citizen’s arrest with blowdart.

DEAR APPPLE (A LETTER)

Dear Apple,

I recently went to the Apple Store on W. 14th in Manhattan and was served at the Genius Bar on the third tier of the store by a young man by the name of Brandon.

Before I tell you more about Brandon, please know this: I am a comedian. I tell dick jokes into a voice amplifier in front of strangers.

When I went into your store I (my lawyers have told me I can’t say for sure) may or may not have had a Flipcam hidden in a fannypack with a big hole in it… with which to record the prank I thought I was going to pull.

The prank? Simple yet immature, while seemingly elegant. In other words: CLASSIC. GRITTNER. (that’s my last name. Shit. I should have mentioned that before but this a formal letter) I was going to go to an Apple Store and ask about my (very fake) Asian Porn Fetish and how it keeps shutting down my iPad. I once again mistakenly thought I was going to capture the hilarious hijinks of a confused and vexed Apple employee.

Then I met Brandon.

Brandon didn’t flinch. Not from the moment I dropped the Asian Yum-Yum Bomb. He didn’t just name websites, or positions, or give phone numbers, or show me pictures on his iPhone. He also: made drawings on napkins, talked a lot of statistics, showed me tattoos, gave me a bunch of free apps, and showed me EVEN MORE PICTURES ON HIS iPHONE.

Brandon is amazing.

You should clone him.

Fire everyone. Even you. The person reading this letter.

Would you have stepped up to the plate like that? FUCK NO.

I may be a  comedian but that also means I’ve been in the service industry for a long time as well and for an employee to go above and beyond like that, well. Needless to say you hardly see it these days.

But when I do, I feel compelled to write a letter. Please promote Brandon. For the love of all that is good in this world. Or at least have him train newbies and really leave a lasting mark on Apple.

Thank you for the courtesy of reading this letter.

Sincerely,

Sam Grittner

MEMOIR OF A BEEKEEPER

MEMOIR OF A BEEKEEPER
By the age of twenty-one Jackie “His Hiveness” Rivens controlled over sixty-two percent of America’s beekeeping colonies. He was a millionaire tens of twenty of times over. He was a philanthropist, a Libertarian, a table-tennis enthusiast, a freemason, a recluse, and a reformed Jehovah’s Witness.Now at the age of thirty-three, Jackie reveals it all in his memoir: “Bee-Fore I Knew It: The Truth Stings”  From his addictions to Bolivian cocaine and Latvian spongecake to his addictions to Latvian supermodel’s and Bolivian keno, nothing is held back. All the rumors are finally put to rest: Why did he fake his step-brother’s death over forty times? How did he escape from Guadalajara with just a tablecloth, chives, and an Uno card? Does he really sting it before sex to make it bigger?? Here now, is an excerpt from Jackie Rivens: “Bee-Fore I Knew It: The Truth Stings”

Prologue:

I wanted to be a beekeeper as far back as I can remember… beekeepers are a different type of breed. In Arizona, where I grew up, they were the absolute coolest man. They lived life on the fucking edge. They got pussy 24/7… I’m talking sixty-two hours a week man. They got tattoos of birds, threw bags of dog shit at the police, over-tipped at Chinese restaurants…  they did whatever the FUCK they wanted.  They kept bees for christsakes.

Drug-fueled orgies. Candy dishes full of ecstasy, viagra and prilosec. Piles of money. Drunken motorcycle races through Tuscon. Gallons, I mean GALLONS of fresh honey everywhere…. those were the good old days. But that’s all beehind me now….

Chapter 1: Here We Bee Again

I got my first beekeepers outfit the day before my ninth birthday. My old man got it at a garage sale for three bucks. It was the best day of my life. That’s a pretty big deal coming from a guy that’s bungee-jumped off the Space Needle, free-based in the Louvre, and had sex with a woman that looked like Wolverine (not Hugh Jackman… Wolverine).

That outfit. I wore it fucking everywhere: School, the zoo, old man Carruther’s house… EVERYWHERE. I slept in it. I showered in it. I even tricked it out: laser beams stitched into the elbows, scratch-n-sniff zippers, and two custom-made badass patches. The one in the front said: “Who’s in Charge Here?” and the one in the back said “I Bee!”

My parents didn’t want me to have anything to do with beekeeping. In fact, they were dead-set opposed to it. Mostly because their parents died from bee attacks and they knew how dangerous a job it was… and a little because they had hoped I’d follow in my father’s footsteps and sell homemade meth to rodeo clowns. But I had a talent. That much was obvious. By the age of thirteen I was taking care of over 80 colonies in my parent’s backyard. I was harvesting twenty pounds of liquid gold by eighteen. That’s when the money started rolling in… and that’s when things really started to get sweet…