*Paul Ryan pulls a quarter out from behind my ear*
ME: “Is that supposed to be a magic trick?”
RYAN: “That’s the magic of your tax cut!”
ME: “That’s fucking it?”
RYAN: “Now, watch me make Medicaid disappear!”
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 3, 2018
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS IN 2008: “Divorce is a sin of the highest order, vulgar language is an abomination, and cheating on your spouse is the quickest path to hell.”
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS IN 2018: “Look… nobody is perfect.”
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 1, 2018
The President acted Presidential for 90 minutes and we’re supposed to be impressed? Fuck that noise. The Chuck E. Cheese animatronic band acts like a real band 24/7. Where are the headlines praising them?
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 31, 2018
I will donate the rest of my life to any Democrat who brings a live shark to the State of the Union tonight.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 30, 2018
The guy next to me at the CVS self-checkout was having problems with the machine and announced to me if it fucked with him one more time he was going to go “full Robocop on its ass.”
The fucking machine worked and now I have to go my grave wondering what I was about to see.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 29, 2018