CONGRESS: Do you have a statement prepared?
JAMES COMEY: I do. *lips on mic* Bitches, I came with receipts
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 5, 2017
*waits until plane is in the air*
"So… who did everyone vote for?"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 1, 2017
Nothing is more metal than sleeping. All you're doing is practicing being dead forever for hours every day until you actually are.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 31, 2017
Eric Trump looks like you found someone from Craigslist to play a vampire but when he shows up you're like "nah man. I'm sorry but too real"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 27, 2017