Bears don’t hibernate during winter. They go to their caves, think about the wrongs they’ve committed, change absolutely nothing, then once spring rolls around, they go back out on their “I Guess I’m Still A Bear” tour.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 29, 2018
BEST WAYS TO BREAKUP WITH A BEAR:
• Admit you finally saw the end of “Grizzly Man”
• Say, “It’s not you, it’s I’m meat”
• Tell them you met someone who prevents forest fires
• Convert to park ranger
• Leave a note while they’re hibernating
• Don’t. It’s a fucking bear
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 12, 2018
Jesus. I was just reading at the library when a bear burst in. Thank God I had my gun. I shot a stranger so I could get a running start.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 24, 2017
If a bear is about to attack you, play dad. Throw a baseball back and forth with them until they're worn out and fall asleep.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 20, 2014
This time of the year is always disappointing to me because I start to receive rejection letters from bears that I applied to hibernate with
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 13, 2013
You can take the bear out of the zoo but you can't take the zoo police on all by yourself trust me, even if you encourage the bear to help
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 31, 2013