If you’re addicted to Tide Pods and quit how are you supposed to stay clean?
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 16, 2018
An essay about my struggles with addiction and the perseverance of dreams.
My Name is Sam and I’m An Alcoholic.
I used to go back and forth about posting about this stuff but then I get a message or two and this is why I’m writing tonight. At midnight, I get to celebrate 11 months since I quit drinking. I’m 32-years-old and I wasted some of the best years of my life getting wasted. I was supposed to have a really respected career in stand-up (in my mind). I was supposed to be engaged (in my mind). I was supposed to be everything to everyone at once because pleasing everyone but me was the only thing that made me happy because I hated myself that much. At the same time I was also one of the most selfish people I’ve ever known. I tried quitting 4,000 times before I quit counting.
And then one day I had another another another rock bottom. Not forgetting my siblings birthdays (check). Not setting my apartment on fire because a joint was burning and I passed out (check. check.). I got absolutely wrecked at the restaurant I was working at before, during, and after the shift. For two months straight, prior to this. I didn’t lose the job. I did however get revisited by the ghost of Grey Goose past that particular night.
I realized two things after the drying vomit pellets on my sweater started to resemble dwayne the rock johnson: I don’t EVER want to throw up on anything ever again ESPECIALLY my own person and that a lot of my problem wasn’t just alcoholism, it was refusing to be an adult. I wanted to will things into being my way and hahahahahahahaha that works so well! you should definitely try it. Quitting drinking is a decision but the success I’ve found comes from reaching out to people, every day. I have cravings but I contact someone when it gets bad. The Internet is amazing. Bits of it at least (cats on giraffes in a puppy pool videos, etc.). I message people daily to see how they’re doing and vice versa and that’s my “secret to success”, mixed with consistency and the active will to want to quit. At least for me. I still go to AA meetings and I’ve seen more successful people come from there than any other program.
If you’re thinking about quitting and don’t think you can do it, you’re wrong. Change is possible. For real. In the time it took me to write this I changed three pairs of pants, two pairs of minds, four adult diapers and that horse into a fucking tiger.
Thanks for reading. Ask for help if you need it. There’s carrot cake on the way out.
Cellphones are teddy bears for adults.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 13, 2014