I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 7, 2013
My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 13, 2016
I'm disappointed in Sarah Palin more than any other human being. She saw what Russia was doing from her backyard and chose to say nothing.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 10, 2016
Twitter allows Nazis a safe space and let’s an unhinged President threaten nuclear war.
Facebook allows misleading news stories to come across as legitimate.
YouTube is standing by a man that made a joke out of a suicide.
What I’m saying is: only you can save us now, PornHub.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 3, 2018
POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "Because you know I love riddles."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 19, 2015
MTV TRUE LIFE: I Hated Obamacare But When I Found Out It Was The ACA That I Depend On I Learned I Was Just Racist
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 12, 2017
Hillary has to debate Trump while fact-checking him. Can you imagine it? A woman having to work twice as hard as a man for the same position
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 25, 2016
*puts out arm*
*falcon lands on it, perfectly*
"I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
*mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 21, 2014
20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
30s: What the dick happened where is time going
40s: FUCK
50s: Fuck it
60s: Neat my skin's translucent— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 22, 2014
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 23, 2015
*loses touch with reality*
*awkwardly runs into reality at the grocery store*
R: "So… how are things?"
ME: "I'm growing tigers in my car."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 18, 2014
Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 5, 2014
"PUT DOWN THE GUN!"
"Gun, you ugly and come from a broken home."
"THAT WAS PERFECT BUT PHYSICALLY PUT IT DOWN."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 20, 2014
Millennials are selfish & entitled, said the generation that made a cure for old men lacking boners while the ice caps disappeared forever.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 23, 2016
Girl are you a Wes Anderson film cuz you look absolutely stunning but I don't see this going anywhere
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 5, 2013
Behind every great woman is another great woman. They're everywhere.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 18, 2015
Baller is short for ballerina
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 27, 2013
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 24, 2014
Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 24, 2012
They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 8, 2015
"What is this?"
"That's a rainbow, Mr. Putin."
"Tear down the sky."
"Sir, you can't possib-
*gun clicks*
"Tear. It. Down."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 8, 2014
1. Buy cheap umbrella
2. Have it die on you mid-storm
3. Buy expensive umbrella
4. Forget it on public transportation
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until you die— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 2, 2018
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 1, 2014
When he turns 85, rapper T.I. will turn into a graphing calculator.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 1, 2013
*goes to housewarming party*
*turns up thermostat*
*leaves*— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 5, 2014
"Paintings or it didn't happen." – 1700's-1920
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 13, 2012
Sorry I accidentally inhaled your air guitar.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 17, 2014
Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 3, 2016
"Let my people flow." – Moses Def
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 28, 2014
"Are you there God? It's me, God 2." – Margaret (blasted on cocaine)
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 20, 2012
The last rule of Fight Club is a kiss goodnight
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 1, 2014
A group of actors is called a restaurant.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 6, 2015
Any pizza is personal if it killed your father
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 25, 2013
The older I get the more life feels like I'm just killing time between meals.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 30, 2014
When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 30, 2010
If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 14, 2015
I throw fur coats on people who leave paint stores.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 4, 2011
Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 9, 2011
Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 23, 2015
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 4, 2011
My wedding will be open casket.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 25, 2013
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 9, 2015
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my life.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 27, 2015
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 20, 2013
He Died Doing What He Loved: Living forever
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 18, 2014
All the wrong people hate themselves.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 24, 2016