*at animal shelter*
EMPLOYEE: "You said you were interested in adopting a dog?"
*i slide her $100*
ME: "Take me to the REALLY good boys."— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 1, 2016
Halloween is a lovely example for kids learning to follow rules: Never, EVER take candy from a stranger… unless everyone else is doing it
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) October 31, 2016
JAMES COMEY: I'm formally inviting you to dinner. I can't tell you when or where it will take place or if food will be served. Don't be late
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) October 30, 2016
.@StephenKing do you remember that book u wrote about that killer clown? that was a dang classic. I can't remember the name of it
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) October 29, 2016
Please start the costume party without me, I'm going as Buffering so I have no idea how long it'll take me to get there.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) October 28, 2016
We need to play more head games with ISIS. Have we delivered them pizzas they haven't ordered yet? That'll drive them absolutely bananas.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) October 27, 2016