Still trying to figure out what to get America for its birthday… what do you get for the country that has everything but only shares it with 300 or so of its people?
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 4, 2018
Celebrating the 4th of July this year feels like throwing a birthday party for someone who’s been kidnapped.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 28, 2018
The Declaration of Independence was one of the first examples of breaking up via text message.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 4, 2017
I want fireworks in the sheets, bald eagles in the streets.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 4, 2016
TALKING POINTS: 4TH OF JULY
Here are some go-to lines to get you out of Snoozeville when you’re chatting up the neighbor’s best man’s cousin.
I'm as American as Instagramming apple pie.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 4, 2013