LET’S GET TO KNOW @ch000ch (AKA @ch000ch)

HI! Over the summer I was more depressed than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I stopped tweeting, reading, eating, sleeping, responding to human interactions. Basically, I got the best at crying in a shower for hours on end. I should have trophies. Then one day I remembered that life is kinda rad when you live it so I started doing that again. I had written Twitter off because it had inflated my ego and that had led to a series of stupendously idiotic decisions. But, I could go there and read, I didn’t have to post! And that’s when I discovered a new school of thought online. I followed @jonnysun @buckyisotope and @dubstep4dads (there are so many more!) and I started looking at Twitter in a different light. If you go back on my timeline , you can see me embracing “Weird Twitter,” except I don’t know what that is. All I know is that people started using the box to create scenes and stopped only doing one-liners or hashtag games. AND THEN six months ago, I read a tweet about a grandma and a rap battle and I couldn’t stop laughing. I mediately followed this person(?) named @ch000ch. In six months he’s gone from 8,000 to 21k as of posting this. He is a prolific genius. LET’S HAVE A HOOT!



LET’S GET TO KNOW@ch000ch!
Hi! WHO are you? Get it? Cause of the Owl avatar?

Hey Sam! Well I’m a very normal adult male from Philadelphia with a very normal passion for owls and other nocturnal birds. I also enjoy trying to be WHO-murous on the interweb. (nailed it)

How long have you been on Twitter?

As a guy making jokes, about 6 months. Before that I was your typical twitter user, harassing celebrities and posting like 12-20 VERY clever hashtags per day.

How often do you spend writing jokes?

Some days more than others. On a regular day I spend around 6 hours perfecting a dildo joke before sending it to drafts and forgetting about it. Otherwise I’m just writing whatever pops off in my head. I try to tweet at least once per day just so people know I’m still alive.

Who are your comedic inspirations? Jesus, Mariah Carey, Zeus, Mariah Carey, Clint Eastwood but only when he’s talking to a stool?

Funny you should ask because I compose most of my tweets as if I’m talking directly to Mariah Carey. I like to imagine her laughing at my jokes while sitting there admiring my well defined calves. We exchange a flirtatious glance, then passionately embrace. The next morning I ask how she feels about the Plan B pill and she’s totally cool with it, which is a relief.

Do you work on tweets or do they all just pop in your head?

I work on some of them. Sometimes a concept for a joke will pop up but I don’t know how to make it funny in 140 characters so I’ll let it go for a while. I think most stuff pops into my head.

Why don’t you use your real name?

Well first, I have an embarrassing last name (John Penisman) and second, I think people, including myself, unconsciously find made up characters to be more entertaining for some reason.

Are you an actual owl?

I like to think that we’re all owls, in a way. I guess in the sense that we’re all beautiful, blood-thirsty, nocturnal birds of darkness.

Do you think there is an advantage to keeping your identity secret? Do you ever feel like Batman?

I don’t think there’s any advantage to it but I do feel like Batman in a way. We have very similar childhood pasts. He fell into a cave and was swarmed by bats, which made him terrified of bats. I fell into a cave and was swarmed by spiders, which made me terrified of spiders. He used his fear of bats as a symbol to scare the bad guys and became Batman. I used my fear of spiders the same way and became Spiderman.

You’re on a deserted island you can only bring three things, what’s the fourth that you leave behind?

My Lethal Weapon 4 dvd. I mean I love Chris Rock, but come on, that movie was garbage. And Jet Li? More like Jet please. Amiright?

Who are three people I need to check out?

God I could list off a few dozen. Off the top of my head, a few very clever people that make me laugh regularly are @twelveyearsold, @jamie1947, and @jenlaw_11.

You’ve gained an incredible amount of followers in a very short amount of time. We’ve talked before and so much of it has to do with the fact that you “get” Twitter and your so consistent with your quality. What advice do you have for the kids out there?

Thank you Sam! I don’t know if I know anything more than anyone else on Twitter, but here are a few ideas I kind of go by.
If you’re going for funny and you can make yourself laugh, that’s all that matters.
The less serious you take yourself the better.
When Twitter feels like a chore try and take a breather.
And as @saddesttiger says, they can’t all be home runs.
Oh, and most importantly, be nice.

Meet or greet and why?

Definitely greet. I know a pretty elaborate secret handshake that involves singing an entire No Doubt album.

Do you like THE WHO? I’m sorry but you’re an Owl…

That’s one of those bands that you’re supposed to like if you want music cred but unfortunately I couldn’t name a single song. Owl City followed me on Twitter for a few minutes once. That was cool.

(editor’s note: fuck that noise! Owl City is shitty! They followed then unfollowed so many funny people!)

What are are your aspirations on Twitter?

I don’t really think I have any, other than to keep it in a place where it doesn’t affect my mood. If it stays fun for a long time, that’s great.

Should I diversify my ice cream collection?

Sure, and you can kill 3 birds with one stone with Neapolitan

What’s the coolest place you’ve ever tweeted from?

One time I tweeted a joke from the bathroom of a Vietnamese restaurant. I think it bombed. Either way I was eating pho so I was pretty happy.

What are your favorite subjects to tweet about?

I think the one thing I’ve tweeted about most is courtroom humor, but that’s probably like 10 jokes. Other than that my stuff is kind of all over the place. If there’s a common theme in most of my jokes it’s that I’m an idiot.

Do I own enough hardcover books?

Define “I” (that’s a philosophy zinger I just came right up with)

What annoys you on Twitter dot com?

I don’t like when people are mean to each other, or deride a particular style of tweeting. Also that horse wearing pants meme pisses me off. Just kidding, I f*ing love that horse.

Twitter is fun, What else is fun?

I’m a pretty outdoorsy guy. I like camping, snowboarding, hiking, and all that stuff. I’m really into film and music, but I don’t really consider myself super knowledgeable with those things.

Sum up America in four words, a triangle, and a piece of clothing and/or sandwich:

Two scary illuminati socks.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a lollipop?

It’s not possible because the stick is at the true center of the lollipop. Boom! Owned!

Follow @ch000ch (those are all zeroes!) on Twitter until three months from now when he’s so famous that you all know his name because he’s writing for SNL)