‘Iron Man 3’ REVIEW (Author’s note, I have not seen the movie)

IRON MAN 3 is already my favorite movie about a man wearing a suit of some sort of metal that I’ve seen all summer AND SUMMER ISN’T EVEN HERE YET!

The movie has everything any Marvel or non-comic book fan could want or expect from a Summer Blockbuster: explosions, guns, lasers, shadow puppets, RED BULL sponsorship that’s not too overt, cleavage, an airplane crashing into the moon, tanks, moonshine, laser boobs, clutch rides, and even a dragon having sex with a torpedo.

The cast is a bunch of all-stars: Johnny Depp, Hotel Rwanda/Crashie dude, and of course, PEOPLE magazine’s woman of the year, that wife of that u2 band(?) who do what they do best: read lines written by other people really, really well.

I don’t want to give away too much of the plot but here’s a brief summary:

Iron Man gets attacked by NASA for trying to steal all their precious moon juice. The Machine of War is also around, doing important things and tasks. At one point, precious jewels get stolen and they must unite in Argentina. Things look bad for these men made of aluminum(?) but just before the dinosaurs that were genetically designed to eat metal people and music make death befall the entire Southern hemisphere, the one lady comes dressed up in a suit made of adamantium(?) and blows away the dinosaurs with her laser boobs.

There’s a lot of sex and cannibalism in this movie; not more than I expected but definitely not enough.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I enjoyed IRON MAN 3. I would watch it on an iPhone with a delicious RED BULL nearby but I definitely wouldn’t let my kids watch it because they would hog the tiny screen with their smudgy, tiny, fat fingers. I recommend this movie if you are into: shit that blows up, metal, and nail salons.

On a scale of 1 to 5 STARS, I give IRON MAN 3 a yes.