Dear Apple,

I recently went to the Apple Store on W. 14th in Manhattan and was served at the Genius Bar on the third tier of the store by a young man by the name of Brandon.

Before I tell you more about Brandon, please know this: I am a comedian. I tell dick jokes into a voice amplifier in front of strangers.

When I went into your store I (my lawyers have told me I can’t say for sure) may or may not have had a Flipcam hidden in a fannypack with a big hole in it… with which to record the prank I thought I was going to pull.

The prank? Simple yet immature, while seemingly elegant. In other words: CLASSIC. GRITTNER. (that’s my last name. Shit. I should have mentioned that before but this a formal letter) I was going to go to an Apple Store and ask about my (very fake) Asian Porn Fetish and how it keeps shutting down my iPad. I once again mistakenly thought I was going to capture the hilarious hijinks of a confused and vexed Apple employee.

Then I met Brandon.

Brandon didn’t flinch. Not from the moment I dropped the Asian Yum-Yum Bomb. He didn’t just name websites, or positions, or give phone numbers, or show me pictures on his iPhone. He also: made drawings on napkins, talked a lot of statistics, showed me tattoos, gave me a bunch of free apps, and showed me EVEN MORE PICTURES ON HIS iPHONE.

Brandon is amazing.

You should clone him.

Fire everyone. Even you. The person reading this letter.

Would you have stepped up to the plate like that? FUCK NO.

I may be a  comedian but that also means I’ve been in the service industry for a long time as well and for an employee to go above and beyond like that, well. Needless to say you hardly see it these days.

But when I do, I feel compelled to write a letter. Please promote Brandon. For the love of all that is good in this world. Or at least have him train newbies and really leave a lasting mark on Apple.

Thank you for the courtesy of reading this letter.


Sam Grittner

Dear People Who Clip Your Nails In Public

Dear People Who Clip Your Nails In Public,

I feel like we shouldn’t even be having this dialogue. It’s like me telling you not to shit in someone’s bunkbed, set loose all their trained Falcons, or continue to insist that 9/11 wasn’t committed by a bunch of janitors that just wanted to cause some hijinks… this is day one stuff. But for whatever reason you continue to be not just a nuisance but a scourge on society. This is no longer cuticle.

Why in God’s nametag do you think it’s justifiable to clip your fingernails in public? “It’s just a part of my body that grows, man… RELAX.” No man, I won’t relax. I won’t go “jogging” or “watch what I eat” or “give up my dream of having sex with all the world Professional Yo-Yo’ers in South America” or “stop criticizing other people for their small foibles even though I have a million of my own.” In fact, as of today I’m going to fight public disgusting body ignorance with even more disgusting body ignorance. BUT PURPOSEFUL IGNORANCE THAT I’M COMPLETELY AWARE OF. The next time I see you on the Subway or at your desk or behind the counter at Orange Julius clipping your fingercovers, I will do one to all of the following:

  • Order a delicious Orange Julius!
  • Give myself a buzzcut while standing directly over you
  • Shave my chest while giving you the “stinkeye” (that’s my bellybutton with stink lines I drew coming ‘out of it’ with sharpie)
  • Perform a briss within five yards of your person
  • Check my balls for testicular cancer while doing a play-by-play narration in my best John Madden voice
  • Perform a sponge bath on the person sitting/standing directly next to you
  • Give you the “poor man’s facial” (see: sneeze on your face)

If you cease and desist, I will too. Also, if you’re the same person that listens to music from the speakerphone on their cellphone I WILL BUY YOU A SET OF HEADPHONES.

Please stop being Mini-Hitlers.

Thanks in advance!!!


Sam Grittner