Dear Natalie Portman,

You don’t know me but I’m kind of a big deal. My name is Sam and I’m fucking amazing. So are you. You’re a Princess. A Princess wrapped inside an Angel wrapped inside ANOTHER Angel! You make rainbows cry, you’re so beautiful. The only difference between you and the Mona Lisa is that the Mona Lisa looks like a piece of shit…. You can’t be made in God’s image because there’s no way that God is as hot as you. Seriously. You’re epic.

Don’t worry: I’m not crazy! I don’t have voodoo dolls (of you) or write weird poetry (about you) or cry in the grocery store because they’re out of my favorite cereal bar AGAIN. In fact, I’m the opposite of crazy. If anything, I’m SO SANE it’s crazy!!!

Stuff you should know about me:

*I’ve been stung by bees over 18 times in my life but AM STILL NOT AFRAID OF THEM!

*I once ate an entire watermelon in twelve minutes.

*I have a great voodoo doll collection.

*I am tall, dark, and handsome! (except mostly the first, none of the second, and a smattering of the third)

*I can go to sleep just like that!

*I’m the lead singer of my indie-neo-folk/rock fusion band ‘WE SHOT THE BABY AND SMOKED THE NIGHT

*If you ever hear me tell a story about apple picking, DON’T BELIEVE IT! I’ve never done it!

I know what you’re probably thinking right now. You’re thinking: Hey. I’m Natalie Portman. I am just sitting in my trailer, doing my Natalie Portman things that I do. Man do I wish Mr. Right would post a creepy-yet-endearing blog/loveletterthingy at 3:13 in the morning already! Because that’s how I, Natalie Portman, think I will find true love: through a Tumblr post that gets reblogged and RT’d until it reaches my perfect, enchanting, and luminous eyes. Oh, hey! There’s Jude Law’s dad! Hi Mr. La-

Sorry I had to cut myself off there. I could think like you all night!

Anyways, I think you get it: I’m pretty dope and you should get a hold of me. We’ll hit up Applebee’s for lunch in Times Square, then go to the Bronx Zoo and tease the marsupials, then bowling, then back to Applebee’s for Happy Hour then.. who knows??? Make Out Party 5000? Scrapbooking??

If you want to get a hold of me to make your dreams come true my AIM name is: thedarkmustache561.


Sam Grittner