How many times did your Apple products update themselves because of bugs this year? How many times have we updated gun laws this year?
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 27, 2015
If you live in a city thousands of miles away from your family today, remember that most people will never be as lucky as you. Don't gloat.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 26, 2015
MISSED CONNECTION: You were the exorcist at my niece's quinceañera
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 26, 2015
Depression convinces you that you're the absolute best at being the absolute worst.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 25, 2015
ISIS is so stupid. Don't they realize Santa is watching them? Lots of coal for those dummies.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 23, 2015
If you pull on a man's ponytail long enough, a coupon will drop down from the sky that's good for six free karate lessons.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 22, 2015