I'm writing a sequel to GONE GIRL but it's about dogs. It's called HERE BOY.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 8, 2014
imagine coming home and finding a dolphin in your bathtub after you specifically barred all aquatic creatures from the second floor
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 7, 2014
Most exciting part about 2015: it won't be 2014
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 6, 2014
Time travelers will treat 2014 like vacationing families treat Detroit.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 5, 2014
Let's make sure to light that tree tonight and start celebrating an old white man who breaks into your house and is regarded as a hero.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 4, 2014
"Yeah, well, I'm not 'most people'." – Most people
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 3, 2014