No paper cut is an accident. Trees want revenge, they're just extremely patient.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) September 28, 2014
I could be a parent. I'm really good at saying someone's name two times in a row then shouting it.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) September 27, 2014
Being single is the best. So much time to do what you want. Think and reflect. Stare into the void and try to remember what touch felt like.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) September 26, 2014
who called them hayrides instead of autumnmobiles?
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) September 25, 2014
FIRST DATE TIP: Always get the door for them. Rip it out of its hinges, plow right through it, burn it down. Show how much you hate doors.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) September 25, 2014
Sorry I didn't return your text for three weeks. My phone fell off the bed.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) September 24, 2014