The only thing worse than a dad that went out for cigarettes and never came back is a dad that vapes and always returns.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 24, 2016
SNOW SHOVELING TIP: Move to Hawaii
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 23, 2016
Sometimes I feel like my phone is just one giant app whose sole application is to make me feel lonely.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 22, 2016
If you're nervous about speaking in front of a large crowd, drape a python across your shoulders. You'll be scared of the python instead.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 22, 2016
Why you don't name your son Track:
1) it's not a name
2) after getting arrested he literally has a track record
3) it's still not a name— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 20, 2016
Sarah Palin is the "fun mom" who sends you out to get more booze because she's already hammered and you have one less DUI than her.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 20, 2016