My style of dance can best be described as "octopus trying to escape an aquarium."
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) March 6, 2015
"You people discuss me." – Topics
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) March 6, 2015
When I was your age we didn't even have numbers. Your age was the number of harvests you survived after the wolves came for your family.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) March 5, 2015
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "You need a ride."— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) March 3, 2015
How much fun was the person who invented coasters? They were probably also responsible for coining the phrase, "Could you not?"
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) March 3, 2015
"Kids, I'd like to talk to you about the birds and the bees"
*closes blinds, turns up stereo*
*holds up sign that reads, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE*— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) February 28, 2015