No matter how bad life gets, always remember: You were THE BEST sperm and no one can take that away from you. EVER. Unless you have a twin.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 30, 2014
Jesus died for your sins. So make 'em good ones.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 28, 2014
If you need to heat a pizza & your oven isn't working, one easy tip to remember is to dangle it into your closest volcano with a fishing rod
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 27, 2014
*lawyer enters courtroom*
"How does the defendant plea?"
"With their mouth, your honor."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 27, 2014
Please don't "shoot me an e-mail," unless I can "send you" in the face.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 25, 2014
Life is what happens when you're busy making excuses to cancel plans.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 23, 2014