LET’S GET YOU HIRED: How to Nail a Job Interview
You’ve been unemployed for weeks. You ate your last pair of socks and the electricity has been turned off in the shed you’ve been staying in. BUT! Somehow you scored a sweet job interview down at the local, prestigious office of business!
Let’s be honest: this might be your last chance. You might lose the shed. No need to fear or get a horrendous haircut to try and forestall paralysis, I’ve compiled the best tips and tricks that you can use to dazzle and impress the shit out of your new employer. I’ve broken it down into five different sections, so you ADD types can read one then come back and do another in three hours.
Congrats ahead of time and don’t steal supplies until you’re at least three months deep!
SHOWING UP ON TIME
Being punctual does a number of things simultaneously: it shows you know what time is and how it functions, it proves you probably own a watch or have access to a functioning microwave and will be able to show up on time on a regular basis, you’re also not busy selling imitation panther skulls online after you’ve specifically been banned from doing so.
Clothes are important! If you show up to naked, it might be considered a power move and you could end up taking over the company within a matter of minutes but more likely than not it will be misconstrued as you being too lazy to get dressed or worse: proud of the body that you were born with. Men aren’t from Mars and women certainly have never been to space let alone Venus! But the genders do have differences in dress when it comes to the interview process.
Dress provocatively. You need to assert your dominance early. The preferred outfit is a power suit with a v-neck shirt that shows your chest tattoo that reads “I ATE YOUR MOTHER.” Have at least three beards and a gun. Have a sign taped to the back of your shirt with the number of bears that you killed in the past week on it. Don’t shower. Your musk is one of your most powerful incentives. Own a snake? Wear it. Own a falcon? Bring it. Cargo shorts show that your have “plenty of room” to improve. If you have to wear pants, make sure they have at least two dragons bedazzled on them. Wear your watch or microwave to show them you “know what time it is/can reheat their soup.”
Dress smart! You’re beautiful and intelligent so flaunt them both. Shave your hair so they can see just how big your brain is. When it comes to outfits you have a number of options: a smart vest and capris or full camouflage. The former shows your top is as intelligent as you and the pants show you really do have ankles. The latter shows that you are so comfortable with yourself that not only do you not try to stand out, you try to blend into your surroundings a little too much. Always wear boots or Chuck Taylors. If possible, wear a bra that’s been blessed. Wear your eyebrows, not a friends. No lipstick or jewelry, shiny things distract people. A cape is never not a good idea.
A lot of people get intimidated by resumes, not you! Why? Because you know THE SECRET! You don’t? You’re about to: interviewers can’t read. Not one of them. Numbers yes but not letters. It’s a deep, dark secret that only 500 people on a chat forum I visit know. And now you do too. That means that you went to Harvard, majored in Dopeology and your last three jobs were at McKinsey, Red Lobster, and as a youth pastor, respectively. Write anything. Seriously. Just have numbers that make sense and you’re good to go!
Most interviews will stop twice. Once to ask if you need to go pee-pee and again to ask you “off book,” if you have any “special skills.” You do and if you don’t, you just need to look deep inside yourself to discover what they are. Or you can just memorize some of the ones below:
- I eat bees hella good
- I can cry on command
- I always conquer my nemesis, even if they’re sitting across from me right now
- I’ve never been fired from a job that I didn’t deserve to be fired from
- I have access to a watch and/or microwave
- I found Osama
- I’m Bansky
- I’m Gwyneth Paltrow
- I have Steve Jobs’ cellphone number and you can leave a message on it if you hire me
SECRETS TO NAILING IT
You showed up on time. You dressed smart. You have a piece of paper with gibberish and numbers. You’ve memorized your special skills. You did it! Not so fast, buckaroo. Before you leave the room and go back to your shed you still have a chance to put icing on the cake and seal the deal. Ready to glue gun this coffin shut? Just a few more tips:
- Give your interviewer a fun nickname as soon as you meet them (such as: Big Teeth, Weird Smile, or Molar Dog)
- When making eye contact, never blink (it shows weakness)
- Come in with a parrot. Have the parrot answer all the questions for you
- Compliment the interviewer on their skin or give them a bag of yours
- Apologize for your smell but don’t use words
- Take a baby out of your backpack and start feeding it halfway through the interview. Never mention it
- Ride a tiger in and an elephant out