"9-1-1, what's your emergency?"
"I've never felt this sick before in my life."
"What are your symptoms?"
"*starts beatboxing*"— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 17, 2014
If you're outraged by free music on your phone just wait until you hear about literally anything else
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 16, 2014
*goes on first date*
*eats spaghetti with her like in lady and the tramp*
Waiter: Sir, you and the terrier need to leave immediately— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 14, 2014
I tried stripping my way through college but only made it past the library before security caught me
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 13, 2014
"Do you believe in monogamy?"
"I believe in all types of wood."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 12, 2014
At this rate it'll only be a couple of years before the iPhone is the same size as the children that make them
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 12, 2014