"I'm here to help but I can also kill ya!" – Shoelaces
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 25, 2013
Dear People Who Clip Your Nails In Public
Dear People Who Clip Your Nails In Public,
I feel like we shouldn’t even be having this dialogue. It’s like me telling you not to shit in someone’s bunkbed, set loose all their trained Falcons, or continue to insist that 9/11 wasn’t committed by a bunch of janitors that just wanted to cause some hijinks… this is day one stuff. But for whatever reason you continue to be not just a nuisance but a scourge on society. This is no longer cuticle.
Why in God’s nametag do you think it’s justifiable to clip your fingernails in public? “It’s just a part of my body that grows, man… RELAX.” No man, I won’t relax. I won’t go “jogging” or “watch what I eat” or “give up my dream of having sex with all the world Professional Yo-Yo’ers in South America” or “stop criticizing other people for their small foibles even though I have a million of my own.” In fact, as of today I’m going to fight public disgusting body ignorance with even more disgusting body ignorance. BUT PURPOSEFUL IGNORANCE THAT I’M COMPLETELY AWARE OF. The next time I see you on the Subway or at your desk or behind the counter at Orange Julius clipping your fingercovers, I will do one to all of the following:
- Order a delicious Orange Julius!
- Give myself a buzzcut while standing directly over you
- Shave my chest while giving you the “stinkeye” (that’s my bellybutton with stink lines I drew coming ‘out of it’ with sharpie)
- Perform a briss within five yards of your person
- Check my balls for testicular cancer while doing a play-by-play narration in my best John Madden voice
- Perform a sponge bath on the person sitting/standing directly next to you
- Give you the “poor man’s facial” (see: sneeze on your face)
If you cease and desist, I will too. Also, if you’re the same person that listens to music from the speakerphone on their cellphone I WILL BUY YOU A SET OF HEADPHONES.
Please stop being Mini-Hitlers.
Thanks in advance!!!
Sincerely,
Sam Grittner
An Open Letter on Why, I, Herman Cain Should Be President of the USA
Dear America: The Cost is Never Cheap But The Crust is Always Deep!
(An Open Letter on Why, I, Herman Cain Should Be President of the USA)
Hello America! My name is Herman Cain, allow me to introduce myself. Oh wait I just did…. allow me to re-introduce myself:
I’m best known as ‘R-Pizzy’ or the “Republican Pizza Candidate” because I used to be the CEO of Godfather’s pizza. That’s right: GODFATHER’S PIZZA.
Many of you might think that doesn’t qualify me to be President of the most powerful and influential country in all Space and Time. You’d be wrong. I’ve got all the essential, mouth-watering ingredients it takes to be a leader: integrity, backbone, sauciness, peppers, onions, and over FIVE DIFFERENT KINDS OF CHEESES. Oh and I hate abortions!
I may have been the CEO but I still know running a pizza place is hard work, just like the White House: you got a lot of things cooking at once, you’re trying to please a lot of people, lots of weird smells, and there are rats everywhere.
I don’t just have beliefs. I have convictions and principles that run deeper than any dish. I believe EVERYONE is equal: whether they’re small, medium, or large (just not gays or Muslims).
Gays in the military? Look, I like sausage on my pie from time to time but in the privacy of my home!
Abortion rights? Abortion’s wrong!
I know the Middle East like I know yeast!
America deserves results and I can deliver them in under three terms or less.
And when you elect me you get a Vice-President for free!
I don’t mean to drop names but the ‘Noid has come up. FREQUENTLY.
A lot of people say I’m a liability because I’ve never held a government post. Well, I’ve never held Anne Heche but I bet I could!
As President, I promise the following: 1/2 off all current corporate taxes, 86’ing abortions, new ovens for EVERY American, free advice from my Nana, and as much GODFATHER’s swag as you want! I’m talking pens, stickers, and giant magnets for your car!!!!!
My name is Herman Cain. And my beliefs have no expiration date.
‘CONAN’ COMES TO NYC
(ORIGINALLY POSTED: Thursday, November 3rd)
‘CONAN’ was amazing last night. He interviewed Matthew Broderick and Paul Simon performed. Are you fucking kidding me?!? PAUL SIMON!
The show was beyond my expectations. The monologue was spot on, the videos were hysterical, his band was sooooo good! The sketches absolutely killed and the highlight of the night was seeing comedy legend Eddie Peppitone perform just a few rows away. Conan was in his element. Calculated insanity. Andy Richter has PERFECT timing…. it was just amazing.
What’s even crazier is I got to meet heroes/legends/comedians: Todd Levin, Andres Dubouchet, Jesse Popp, and Eddie Pepitone on Monday night after seeing them all perform (and murder) at UCB’s WHIPLASH!. They are all as classy as they come.
I’ve been performing/writing for the last twelve years and this last year has presented me with some of the biggest opportunities yet. I’ve met some of the nicest, hardest working people in the business and I’m so thankful for it.
All I’m saying is: whatever you love, stick with it for the long haul. It just might pay off.
"Please sir, may I have a mother?" – Oliver Twist
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 25, 2013
Coachella is just Instagram in real time with a soundtrack.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 25, 2013