Megan Fox

1. She only eats soup and duct tape on days ending in nights

2. She has never paid for a drink or health insurance

3. She’s freebased with Bumblebee

4. She doesn’t understand why the ocean stops at the beach

5. She invented an algorithm that has saved over 30,000 children from cancer clusters

6. She has no idea what an algorithm is

7. She is pleasantly surprised every time her body remembers to breathe for her

8. She can build a tesla coil out of a bobby pin and a toe

9. She only dates vegetarians, people on death row, and members of THE SPIN DOCTORS that AREN’T on death row

10. She once performed open heart surgery to get a walk-on role for JUST SHOOT ME

11. She has no idea who David Spade is

12. She prefers to make love in piles of money with unmarked bills and dollar coins

13. She has two extra fingers and a spare neck

14. She once ate a chicken live to book a commercial for OLD NAVY

15. She wishes that when she signed her deal with the devil she’d also gotten guitar lessons

16. She has no idea what the ocean is

17. She knew what a book was, at one point

18. She has a mansion filled with Optimus Prime toys and cashmere appendages

19. She’s stabbed Charlie Sheen twice this week

20. She has invested over $2,000,000 in a watermelon company that promises watermelons WITH SEEDS

21. She has made love inside a Transformer

22. She questions everything, especially people who question things

23. She likes looking at coasters and thinking of sand instead of thinking or remembering to breath all the time

24. She hates oligarchies

25. She still sexts Optimus Prime




1) His middle name is Batting

2) He has touched the Holy Grail with his dick at least once today

3) He has been alive for 8,000 years and dead for 7,825

4) His favorite kind of music is Bluegrassorangefield

5) He has never seen a cow

6) He has killed over twenty people on movie sets (not while filming)

7) He has never made direct eye contact with himself

8) He has no idea what a movie is

9) He has more swords than you have cells in your body

10) He can speak to dogs, chairs, certain sauces, and the Mayor of Cleveland through telepathy

11) He has never eaten a hot dog that he hasn’t personally made

12) He soaks his car keys in his own blood

13) He has no idea who Ralph Nader is

14) He once worked for the CIA, smuggling ACTUAL arms to Cuba

15) He invented water polo when he was high on embalming fluid with Einstein

16) He is scared of horses and watermelons

17) He believes bad luck is only real if you didn’t pay the witch with actual money

18) He owns a castle made entirely of leather

19) He speaks perfect English but only in Chinese

20) His adopted child is really a sandbox full of gravy and golden toothpicks

21) He has no idea what global warming is

22) He believes most children are holograms or sandboxes

23) He only makes love in coffins or space shuttles

24) He built his own DNA in a haunted vineyard

25) He wants to ride a horse into the sun but this time do it to inspire the children