Still trying to figure out what to get America for its birthday… what do you get for the country that has everything but only shares it with 300 or so of its people?
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 4, 2018
Celebrating the 4th of July this year feels like throwing a birthday party for someone who’s been kidnapped.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 28, 2018
Only in America can a man that has paid for abortions bring about the overturning of Roe v. Wade.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 27, 2018
It’s pretty weird that the only thing racists hate more than other races is being called a racist.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 20, 2018
Please hurry up, Robert Mueller. It feels like America wore a wire to a drug deal, with the safe word "bumblebee" to get the cops to rush in but it's been 3 hours and now the dealers are grilling us about why we keep saying bumblebee while they pull out sharper and sharper knives
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 12, 2018
“Tide Pods are now locked up. You’ll need to show proof of ownership of a washing machine and undergo a background check to buy any. Our #1 priority is the safety of our citizens. Also: here’s a free gun. The serial number is scratched off and it’s preloaded with ammo.” – America
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 16, 2018