My ideal woman:
• Lives in a bog or a ditch
• Is keen on animal sacrifices
• Speaks only in tongues
• Knows her way around shanks
• Shares the dang remote when we’re watching Netflix!
• Isn’t sure whose blood she’s covered in
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 30, 2018
DENTIST: When was the last time you flossed?
ME: On the advice of counsel I invoke my Fifth Amendment privilege against self-incrimination
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 27, 2016