I know this transmission is 10,000 lightyears late but Earth wasn’t exactly as our slideshows and Plasmapoint presentations had anticipated. I ingested thirteen Truth Capsules before sending this detailed manifesto, so there will be no omissions.

Honesty is the first protocol: I am deeply ashamed to admit that I got caught up for over a decade in what the Humanoids deemed the “Flapper” movement. I lost site again of my mission with the advent of what they call a “pinball machine.” FLASHING LIGHTS! BRIGHT SOUNDS! What they called a “Judge Dredd” THEME!!! The mere thought of getting a high-score still makes three of my tongues salivate… then, finally in their “1990’s” I couldn’t stop watching what they kept repeating was “Must See TV” (I thought it was a command!). I apologize and I know that the Council will have their way with me when I return. In my defense, their slang and brightly colored vests have left me even more stupefied than Dr. Xlargb’s most advanced projections could have foreseen.

Back to the report: Even now in their year “2011” the technology they possess is subpar to ours but they have a secret weapon none of us could have seen coming, a type of all-engulfing lethargy machine installed in their mind-vaults at an early age. They secrete it and utilize it in many ways: through their Big Magic boxes (Television sets), their Regular Magic Boxes (Computers), or their Miniature Magic Boxes (iPhones) which they seem to care more for than most of their small children.

Instead of focusing on how to move forward and advance as a civilization they play word games and worship false idols such as ‘The Snooki’ or ‘The Bieber’ or ‘That One Guy Who Does That One Thing With the Other Thing.” My only fear is that if we try to engage in a rational dialogue, three of our five brains will instantaneously melt and we will happily spend the rest of our lives watching something they call the C4 Network.

This message contains all the vitals that you and the Grand Council of Sleubbe have requested. I have broken them down into three categories: COMBAT READINESS, AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE, and WORK-OUT TAPES.


By my calculations Earth will have over 15 billion people by the time of the planned arrival. Though the Humans possess firepower that is equal if not more advanced then ours, there are more pressing issues.

First, in the landmass they call “America” there are a breed of nihilistic individuals who are bent on the destruction of anything they fear. They are destroying the Earth planet’s resources and sowing discontent and fear of their fellow man and woman at an astounding rate.

They go by the moniker of “Republicans.” They are easily identified: they are all old, white or bright orange with terrible headhelmets (what the Earth people call “haircuts”). They have no sense of decency. I’ve seen with my own fourteen eyes a man they deemed the “Below” or “Vice” President shoot HIS VERY OWN FRIEND IN THE FACE. Even with my sixty tentacles I find the very thought almost impossible to grasp.

My only concern is that this group will destroy Earth and all of it’s natural resources before the first Starships have arrived.

The good news is that these same people have armed other countries with the same weapons, so the best case scenario is they will destroy all humankind but leave the Earth itself untouched. That way, we will hopefully still have access to all their wind power, precious elements, and Water Parks.


The average human is surprisingly smart at an early age. They have a firm grasp on all the possibilities that life has to offer them. The younger the specimen the brighter they seem to be. With the invention of the Magic Box (television) human society had a chance to show their future leaders what was possible with programs and instructional videos with educational themes. However, it seems that society opted instead to broadcast digital bile that has brainwashed and all but killed the imaginations of entire generations.

This can be a great boon to us for a completely non-hostile takeover! We simply need to construct the world’s largest reality show called THE HUMAN ZOO. We will have all the humans enter a giant gated community with promises of fame, fortune, and brand new Chevy Malibus, then simply throw away the key. Mission accomplished with no use of our laser-face melters!


I have studied every aspect of this and have come to one conclusion. The one they call Jane Fonda has mastered this avenue. We will make her The Emperor’s Queen and finally tighten up our glutes and 38-packs (Be advised however, she will make us do charity work). Make sure to bring all the Spandex that you can find!

In conclusion, unless the Earth society enters a new age of Enlightenment this planet is still ripe for the picking. I just ate two dogs and bought the Ke$ha album. Sorry… the Truth Capsules are still in effect.


Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth: An Essay

“Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth”

The statistics are jarring: Only 1 out of every 500 American children are issued a handgun when they are born.


We live in a nation of Inventors, Musicians, Doctors, Scientists, Hat-Makers, Underrated Doo-Wop Groups, Mexicans, Oprah, Lasagna Tonyas, That Weird Asian Guy With Two(?) Mustaches, Religious Fanatics, MENSA members, Earls, Online Movie Reviewers, and Circus Folk. How is it possible that with all that brainpower at our disposal, our youth, the most precious natural resource of all (after gold, oil, and gold cocaine) aren’t being given the protection they need and deserve?

We have a Black President, a White House, an Orange Speaker of the House, and my pee looked red this morning. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN AMERICA… as long as you live long enough to make your dreams a reality and drink blood before you go to bed.

Do you know how many innocent babies are murdered on the way home from the hospital on any given weekday? Me either. But probably a lot (maybe). We can do something about this today IF Congress will finally step up and enact the legislation I’ve been proposing for the last nine months. Here is the law in its entirety:

Henceforth, upon vaginal evacuation any Baby, Child, or Benjamin Button-esque type Creature will IMMEDIATELY be issued two Beretta Semi-Automatic handguns equipped with Laser Sights and forty cases of armor-piercing bullets. Said Child will be offered a Gun Safety Course (to be redeemed upon their eighth birthday). They shall also be given a Trained Falcon to be named at a time of their choosing. The Falcon shall be trained in: Squawking, Mortal Enemy Eye Removal, Turning on Lights, Gun Maintenance, and Answering Phones.

“But Sam! Babies can’t talk, walk, or Favstar! They’re basically Roombas that shit and cry instead of vacuum and never question why I’m peeing in these jars. And what in the bejeesus is this Falcon thing?!?”

I hear your protests of ignorance but let me ask you this: If you saw a baby with two guns and a trained falcon would you think about stealing it’s diaper and selling it to another stupider baby? Or would you shit your pants and wish you had a diaper of your own? I’m guessing number two.

Stop wasting time. Innocent babies are (maybe?) being attacked as of this writing. Call your local Congressperson today and tell them they need to enact the ‘BABYGOTGAT’ legislation before it’s too late.

***For more information on Babies, Guns, Falcons, or pretty much anything don’t go to your local library, just use your computer or ask someone with most of their teeth***


I was having coffee in a friend’s solarium recently where we had a fascinating conversation about celebrities, fame, and America’s obsession with America’s obsession with fame and celebrities.

My friend decried it all: “I’m so sick of how dumb the American people are. Instead of talking about truly important topics, all I hear about is J-Lo this, Pooty-Tang that, Casey Anthony this AND that. Why aren’t we discussing urgent matters like the deficit, rampant poverty, AIDS, or our lagging education system? It’s like the American people are being spoon fed hot bullshit and asking for seconds while screaming or posting ‘FIRST!’ Are they all stupid? I just wish they’d put down their iPhones, Baconators, and stop watching Nancy Grace. It’s like they’ll believe/listen to/eat anything!”

I completely agree and disagree with my friend. Let me break it down point by point:

“I’m so sick of how dumb the American people are”

FIRST! of all I don’t think the American people are dumb. I know it. Not all of them are (like you reading this, you are intelligent and sexy and probably built a mountain through sheer force of will and sediment and tiger bones) but most. Disagree? How? Do you have eyes and ears that function properly? I see more people with Fedoras, ironic mustaches, and Ed Hardy lip gloss than I do Asians nowadays. Just last week a guy asked me if I had a potato and then ran away before I could say yes! If that isn’t the definition of stupidity then I don’t know what is.

I still haven’t heard the song ‘Friday’ but I know that ‘THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC!’ Volumes 1-79 have outsold most of my favorite bands. So yeah, most Americans probably are pretty dumb. So what? Surround yourself with the smart, cool ones and learn how to make a shiv out of floss and you’ll be just fine.

“Instead of talking about truly important topics…”

I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment but you can’t change a seal into a toothbrush, at least not overnight (I’ve tried). The culture we live in feeds upon itself. When cable television arrived that sealed the deal for us as a country. People are naturally lazy and love to watch other people’s misery. Did you watch the OJ bronco chase? YES. YOU DID. WE ALL DID. Why? EXACTLY.

When the Internet became accessible for most of the country that was the nail in the coffin. Before that if you wanted to see someone get hit in the balls or a puppy dressed as an air conditioner you had to watch ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ and buy a lot of cardboard and a puppy. I just googled ‘hit in the balls’ and got 10,000,000,000,000 results (the FIRST! 10,000 are HILARIOUS by the way).

I love following the real news. Politics, the state of our environment, international relations are fascinating to me. But when given the choice to read or hear about archaic tax codes and countries with weird sounding names OR see a video of a 14 year old from Utah detonating a pumpkin with C-4 our brains are naturally inclined to “go for the shiny” stuff.

Stop complaining about it and just find the balance. For every YouTube video I watch I read one news article about Kyrsadsgazkistan. If I watch five minutes of TMZ, I do ten hours of volunteer work and bleach my eyes. FIND YOUR OWN BALANCE.

 ”It’s like they’ll believe/listen to/eat anything!”

Will people believe anything? Yes. I started this piece by telling you about the discussion I had with a friend. Well guess what? I don’t have a single friend (that owns a solarium)! You believed me because that’s your natural inclination. We want to. And yes, people will eat a cabin made out of hamburgers if you price it under $10. So what? Stop complaining about how stupid everybody is…

If some fat person wants to eat half a cow for breakfast, that’s awesome. They’ll die sooner and that’s one less person in front of me at Duane Reade.

If New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys can sell out stadiums, that’s swell! It just makes my snooty taste in music even snootier and makes me feel smarter and classy, like a bathrobe made out of vinyl records.

If America wants to become enthralled with an alleged babykiller or a celebrity’s sexual peccadillos I don’t blame them. I still think about those dead birds that fell out of the sky. Why? I don’t know and I really don’t care. I just continue to open the door for strangers, smile at babies, and try not to be a douchebag. That’s all I can do. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go bleach my eyes and find a soup kitchen that needs some help.