Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth: An Essay

“Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth”

The statistics are jarring: Only 1 out of every 500 American children are issued a handgun when they are born.


We live in a nation of Inventors, Musicians, Doctors, Scientists, Hat-Makers, Underrated Doo-Wop Groups, Mexicans, Oprah, Lasagna Tonyas, That Weird Asian Guy With Two(?) Mustaches, Religious Fanatics, MENSA members, Earls, Online Movie Reviewers, and Circus Folk. How is it possible that with all that brainpower at our disposal, our youth, the most precious natural resource of all (after gold, oil, and gold cocaine) aren’t being given the protection they need and deserve?

We have a Black President, a White House, an Orange Speaker of the House, and my pee looked red this morning. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN AMERICA… as long as you live long enough to make your dreams a reality and drink blood before you go to bed.

Do you know how many innocent babies are murdered on the way home from the hospital on any given weekday? Me either. But probably a lot (maybe). We can do something about this today IF Congress will finally step up and enact the legislation I’ve been proposing for the last nine months. Here is the law in its entirety:

Henceforth, upon vaginal evacuation any Baby, Child, or Benjamin Button-esque type Creature will IMMEDIATELY be issued two Beretta Semi-Automatic handguns equipped with Laser Sights and forty cases of armor-piercing bullets. Said Child will be offered a Gun Safety Course (to be redeemed upon their eighth birthday). They shall also be given a Trained Falcon to be named at a time of their choosing. The Falcon shall be trained in: Squawking, Mortal Enemy Eye Removal, Turning on Lights, Gun Maintenance, and Answering Phones.

“But Sam! Babies can’t talk, walk, or Favstar! They’re basically Roombas that shit and cry instead of vacuum and never question why I’m peeing in these jars. And what in the bejeesus is this Falcon thing?!?”

I hear your protests of ignorance but let me ask you this: If you saw a baby with two guns and a trained falcon would you think about stealing it’s diaper and selling it to another stupider baby? Or would you shit your pants and wish you had a diaper of your own? I’m guessing number two.

Stop wasting time. Innocent babies are (maybe?) being attacked as of this writing. Call your local Congressperson today and tell them they need to enact the ‘BABYGOTGAT’ legislation before it’s too late.

***For more information on Babies, Guns, Falcons, or pretty much anything don’t go to your local library, just use your computer or ask someone with most of their teeth***

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