Jesus could walk on water but I like to imagine he couldn’t go swimming, he’d try to dive in and it would be like trying to swim in concrete. And he kept it a secret. All his friends are at the beach like, “Come take a dip!” and JC is all, “Nah I’m good. Anyone wanna be carried?”
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 29, 2018
“Live. Fast. Die young.” – Jesus Christ
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 28, 2018
FUTURE MATH TEACHER: "Who can tell me the circumference of Christ's love?"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 7, 2017
Happy Birthday, Jesus! I got you a ton of fresh sins that are truly to die for
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 25, 2016
ME: Please let me slam dunk watermelons with Jesus in my dreams tonight
BRAIN: I'll do you one better, you can drown slowly in your mistakes— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 21, 2016
"U risen?" – Jesus sext
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 21, 2014