If you need to break into a white person's house just wait until the sun is setting. You've got a 20 minute window while we pick the filter.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 15, 2016
My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 13, 2016
May your life be as long as a CVS receipt.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 12, 2016
HILLARY: No, Bill
BILL: I'm telling you, I've studied "Mrs. Doubtfire," just let me be you for a few days
H: No
B: Can I try on a pantsuit?— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 11, 2016
My Uber driver just informed me I could have a free wind chime from his trunk if I promised to "Like" his Facebook page.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 10, 2016
TRUMP: "I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, ok? I am the drawer. Spoons, forks, etc, I know all the best utensils. I know a whisk guy"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 9, 2016