I SEE SUBWAY PEOPLE…

I don’t ride the subway often anymore, ever since the ALLEGED “wolverines and Ketamine” incident on the F-Train a few months back, but when I do manage to sneak under a manhole and make the jump onto a speeding train, I try and soak up everyone around me. When I do, I tend to assign them my own made-up personalities. Here is who I saw today:

  • Asian Steve Jobs
  • A Wall Street hustler
  • Asian Steven Tyler
  • A spiffy lawyer
  • Asian Yoko Ono
  • A gay lumberjack
  • Asian Banksy
  • A kid with a lunchbox and weird eyebrows
  • Asian Jesse Plemons
  • A fruit vendor with ulterior motives
  • Asian Carmen San Diego
  • A bird inside a top hat
  • Asian Scatman Crothers
  • A scientist and his concubine
  • Asian Joan of Arc
  • A mental health expert with three hands
  • Asian Ted Nugent
  • A blind woman wearing a THIRD EYE BLIND t-shirt
  • Asian Rob Thomas

FREE BAND NAMES

FREE BAND NAMES:

  • Redundant Echo and the Civilized Spoons
  • Cheesecake Factory
  • Dick Patrol
  • The Loners
  • The Bachelors
  • Monkey See, Monkey Don’t
  • The Incredible Fucks
  • Monday But Not
  • Frozen Pizza and the Oven Mitts
  • Jeb and his Car Keys
  • Sturflakkkarnardarhhardgggs
  • Elton John Mellencamp Lo
  • The Googles
  • The Bings
  • The Gouts
  • The Tinkles
  • The Sprinkles
  • My Chemical Weapon Romance
  • Aerosmith and Wesson
  • Dad’s Gotta Learn How to Cook
  • Sweet Jesus There’s a Goat In Our Attic and the Machine
  • Stern Looks and Jaded Mustaches
  • Oh Shit and the Not Agains
  • Yes That’s Blood on My Resume
  • The Insane Rodeo Clown Posse
  • 3000 Icicles
  • We Tried All the Jewish Holidays
  • Waiter Why Are You Crying Into My Aioli?
  • Clifford The Big Red God
  • Youra Angelo

25 FACTS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT: NICOLAS CAGE

25 FACTS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT: NICOLAS CAGE

NICKCAGE

1) His middle name is Batting

2) He has touched the Holy Grail with his dick at least once today

3) He has been alive for 8,000 years and dead for 7,825

4) His favorite kind of music is Bluegrassorangefield

5) He has never seen a cow

6) He has killed over twenty people on movie sets (not while filming)

7) He has never made direct eye contact with himself

8) He has no idea what a movie is

9) He has more swords than you have cells in your body

10) He can speak to dogs, chairs, certain sauces, and the Mayor of Cleveland through telepathy

11) He has never eaten a hot dog that he hasn’t personally made

12) He soaks his car keys in his own blood

13) He has no idea who Ralph Nader is

14) He once worked for the CIA, smuggling ACTUAL arms to Cuba

15) He invented water polo when he was high on embalming fluid with Einstein

16) He is scared of horses and watermelons

17) He believes bad luck is only real if you didn’t pay the witch with actual money

18) He owns a castle made entirely of leather

19) He speaks perfect English but only in Chinese

20) His adopted child is really a sandbox full of gravy and golden toothpicks

21) He has no idea what global warming is

22) He believes most children are holograms or sandboxes

23) He only makes love in coffins or space shuttles

24) He built his own DNA in a haunted vineyard

25) He wants to ride a horse into the sun but this time do it to inspire the children

Upcoming MoMa Exhibitions

 

LADY GAGA’S DESIGNER’S TO-GET LIST

 LADY GAGA’S DESIGNER’S TO-GET LIST:

  • 10,000 lightbulbs
  • Diamond-encrusted glitter
  • A case of shoehorns
  • Kleenex Boxes filled with horse semen
  • Chandelier (that looks like Chandler from FRIENDS)
  • Meat! Meat!! Meat!!!
  • Jacket made out of bats that look like jackets
  • Shoes that are really envelopes
  • Rape whistle amulets
  • Glitter-encrusted diamonds
  • Velcro
  • AIDS Quilt Cape
  • Face mask composed entirely out of fingernail clippings of Little Monsters
  • Bigger Egg
  • Sleeveless-sleeves
  • Diaper eye patch
  • Glitter-encrusted meat diamonds
  • Mini-Cooper skirt
  • Motorized sarcophagus
  • Fanny-pack filled with microchips and Gummi bears
  • Member’s Only jean jacket
  • Fierce Utility Belt
  • Earingtones
  • Dignity

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME…

 A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME…

  • Mortimer
  • Julius
  • Template Voodoo
  • Nexium
  • Charlie
  • Kettuce
  • Mooku
  • James
  • Jamie
  • Jam
  • Flibbergopple
  • Red Flower Thingy
  • Microwave
  • Maximum Treefort
  • Stoop
  • Toby Maguire
  • Razzle Dazzle
  • Von Biver
  • Crupe
  • Chateau House of the Teepee
  • Stanley
  • Coot
  • Shemple